{ the dead archival }
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lunes, junio 16, 2008
06162008 - mighty morphine
..way ta go,Power Ranger
**
Bending Jesus over..
..the roller coaster always continues, and i'm so weary.
Sleep is even more f8cked up than usual..tho' this time of year it isn't uncommon. San Diego brings out a twisted work ethic in me. And in my usual last minute fashion i try to get so much done for the business trip / barely vacation. Phht .. not all the morphine in the world can stop my shatter - heart from racin'. Apparently not any amount of fuggin' morphine would help get me an adequet amount of sleep. So much to do..so much to do. God i'm so tired.
**
Loss, Gain, Loss, Gain ..die'it Try it..
..loose weight now, ask me how..
..after almost loosin' my ma. Loosing Carol earlier this year, fear instilled the other day as my mom's brother is fighting for his life.
A preacher but a good man. The only uncle i have on my mom's side and by far the coolest old fellow. Him and my ma had their ups and downs.. but they loved each other alot. He's a person i'd refer to as a 'True Christian ' ( not being one at all ..some people have problems with me stating these things. ). For a long time now he'd opened up his home to adopting kids less fortunate. Giving them a good home and a second chance, guidance and love. Yeh a real Christian. Then his b6tch wife, a woman i thought i knew.. i thought was my aunt..and a person i thought was just as good a person went on ( in classic fundamentalist hypocrisy ) and had an affair with another person of ' GOD '. How dare the b8tch turn around and accuse my uncle of being ' un GOD ly ' an then she goes and takes everything, divorces and leaves him and the children with nothing but broken hearts. after this his health has declined to neat-deadly levels. And i am in fear he will loose his life.
My mother remains determined to help him, as we all are. As always she's taking on more than she can chew .. but i remember her saying to him..
" I'm not about to loose you the way I lost Dad."
She's got a heart of gold and the mind of Doctor Frankenstein.
If the fates , God, and Jesus wanna fuck with my ma.. they can go ahead, but they are in for one hell of a fight.
**
Fuck.
While so much entropy entails this drudging along.. i continue to try and retain in the fact that some good things are happening. As i scramble to finish a small but my FIRST major publishing project ..some things look promising. But i am so driven over the edge so swiftly anymore. Nervous breakdowns and seizures .. i dunno what to do or how to handle any of it really. Somehow i do tho'. Falling on my ass and fallin' on my face. Metaphorically and literally.
Flipped the bike early Sunday morning, the crank and pedal have been loose and were coming loose. Lost control, wrapped my ankle in between the front of the frame and the tire somehow. BLAM ** ..to the douche bags that are tryin' to take my ' privilege to drive ' away but also trying to take away my independence.. hope your fuckin' happy. Bastards, ..you won't win in any capacity.
again.. all i crave is peace and if i fuckin' blow myself away.. i still get the peace i want, and you'll get a fucking ton of lawsuits on your ass. Who the fuck do you think your dealing with ?? Yeh maybe i am just the crazy fuck in the basement.. you have NOT had the right to do any of this not to me or anyone, and you DO IT ANYWAY !! Yeh well fuck you. I'm not as stupid as you take me to be .. and i also understand the details of karma.
Go fuck yourselves.
**
London bridge & falling down, even sometimes even i have to say ' goodbye '..
Burning bridges is something i hate doing, i know better.. and i know that most nothing good can come out of it. But after so many lies, being used, and lead on buy a particular family member. A cousin that was a best friend..well over 20 years. More a brother than anything.. betrayal is a wonderful division maker. And so it happens. After stating i would just stay out of his way and not talk to him, these obsessive and painful things he did grow into monsters. Devouring me, killing me ..wanting me to act uncivil and violent towards him.
No .. i will not go to his level.. EVER. another tough decision i've had to make is to burn the bridge between us. The hatred was so powerful, and continuing to allow that bridge between us to stay erect was just continuing to feed it. The love was long gone..and this person has made his choices as i have mine.
If in passing i will struggle to maintain and not become violent with him. Other than that.. he decided to make me his enemy, and i am not falling for his bullshit.
We shall simply be figments of each others' pasts. We shall not ever talk to each other ever again. I have to protect myself from him somehow. Too bad it's come to this. Really it is too bad.
When i say it.. i mean it. and the bridge is now gone.
**
Luckily i am graced to have other dear souls that love me and accept me for who i am and not what i am NOT.
The bond between me and the Barringers continues to grow stronger all the time. While i drifted away from time to time over the years, we always kept contact.
In the late '90s, they were a second family. During all the horrible tension between me and my mom..they were there for me. They fed me, lent me shelter, and friendship.
They have always fought adversity and again ..Mr. & Mrs. Barringer .. here they were these Grandparents raising this kid with C.P. or whatever. Deaf and struggling, Jasen and his family had weathered so many storms. It's not apples and oranges but even the challenges they've faced may even rival anything i think i may have had tough time with.
We've always helped each other out. In sighn language, communication, school and support.. they are good people and again.. ' REAL CHRISTIANS '. Those rich ass f8cks on the Trinity Broadcast Networkhave nothing ..NOTHING on the good people i know. I'll see the 700 Club in hell. To f7ck that twisted, evil ' NEWS' putlet could get 700 CLUBBED for all i care.
The Barringers spoke with action and not just their hearts. Maybe i disagree with them philosophically. I refuse to deny how wonderful a people they are.
Mrs.B was so special. And unlike some i'd known ..she genuinely wanted to reach out to people to get to know them and care about them. Know where they were coming from and provide whatever emotional and spiritual support she could without condemnation.
While Mr.B was the backbone of the couple.. she was the pulse, the heart. As a Revolutionist, sometimes he'd say things to me that were actually things that made me want to argue with him. Frightening things, and some that made me angry ..but i always shutup out of respect for him. Mrs.B wasn't like that, she taught me a certain amount of tolerance for people. Even ideologies i disagree with. When the love is there, that's what really matters. And above all the disagreements.. the heart reigns over all no matter what. I could tell her just about everything .. in fact i almost did. I even almost came out to her. Hell she even fucking tried to see my side of the suicidal tendency i seem to embrace. She didn't chastise me, she didn't rub God in my face. She just understood, and cared and told me anytime i needed to talk.. she'd listen.
When she died in 2002.. so much was happening, too much. This dark decade got even darker.. and i just wanted to remember her how she was, i didn't want to go to the memorial service. The fact that it was also held at the awful and BIG super-church:: NEW LIFE also just added to the anxiety of the situation.
I never even visited her site at the cemetery. Some respect i'd shown.
:{
This past Friday, that changed.. i'd been meaning for weeks to hook up with Jasen and his still new wife;Keo. F8ck 'it.. i decided to just do it. Mr.B was gonna make one of his usual, ritual trips t visit Mrs.B's site. Keo also had not ever been there, so the 4 of us made a visit. I helped clean up the site, we cut and laid flowers around and Mr.B lead a prayer.
6 years later.. how pathetic i am. But i finally said goodbye to her. As we left i kissed her stone. Maybe i'll come back and visit the site who knows. But i had to do this .. for myself at least. It's a shame i just took so long. Better late than never.
Yeh right.
I thanked her for what she en-stilled in Mr.B and Jasen and what he passes on to Keo, her friendship and understanding.
..tho' i have decided to say 'Goodbye' .. or see ya later.
Whatever the heck it is, Mrs.B ..
I still love and miss you terribly.
We all do.
..>v<
Etiquetas: Barringers, goodbye, terrible2z, tOkKa