Self-FRIGHTOUS,clueless;days the south of Denver devours itself..

-->>..
If this chaos is 'humanity' in this city..and the destructive humdrum bustle in what appears almost as if people are trying to destroy each other..

Let the hatred flow thru' them .. ..they'll mourn not for me when i perish ..they'll be to buzy off-roading over what's left of my remains.

..Colorado Springs claims to be the 'BEST CITY TO LIVE IN ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET' ..

Stay away from Dobsen's evil .. ..stay away from 'Focus on the Family' ..the sickening evils in their agenda are not made of Christianity ..or anything to that nature. But of the age old destructors:: lies,deceit,greed control and power.

.. the hypocrisy of the Jesus-Township appears to point otherwise. And that fib it tells itself is growing.

..just riding my bike to where i need to go ..why is it i cannot simply be left be. No .. gonna have 3 or 4 people honking and yelling at me as i ride to deposit my paycheck. Someone saw fit to honk at me when i was in line at the drive-up. I guess all these gas-guzzlers,combat vehicles, and rednecks aren't used to seeing people on bicycles let alone at the bank teller drive-up on a Saturday afternoon.

Sights to see.. the chaotix to me.. people wonder why most of my days are actually at night.. !!

The hostile aire of the day was confusing to me. Tired ..and lost. And the old man hitting his little girl bothered me to hell.

Nothing worked out.. as the blur of the day went on. Repeats and repeats of blurs and tigers and things and confusions. Yeh your head SHALL spin round like a record player until someone smashes it with a croquet mallet into a million tiny shards.

..i grow dark again.. yet i think to the ones depending on me.. it becomes such a difficult line to walk. Tho' i crave death like a parched beast craves water in the lost and war-torn deserts.

God i need to die.

Nothing ..nothing worked out. The lady from where i was supposed to work at failed to call back. Before i knew it i accidentally fell asleep. Waking past 9 P.M. ..loosing feeling. Blank ..and confused.. tromplin' and tripping over clutter.

I receive calls from friends i worry about.. ::my surrogate family.

I always worry about Miguel. I barely take care of myself. Gary and his krew face difficult times.. and Colorado Springs is becoming a tomb again. The skeleton of what once was my home is now turning to dust.

.. if i don't leave soon.. very soon. If good things don't happen soon (yes i am aware i need to work and do what i can to make them happen. Dur. Schizophrenic.. i am .. not moronic.)

..

.. i am running out of focus to keep typing. Parts of whatever ramble and story i thought i could tell here i blowing away.

.. - -

..Cho was in a lot of pain.


More guns wouldn't have helped at all..

Moron N.R.A. .. look overseas.. see where the guns and the bombs go ..and see the endless - - -

morons .. fucking morons.


Bush, butcher.. with every word that drones out of that sickly excuse of a mouth ..little by little you are committing suicide with what ever tiny shred of credibility you thought you had. Keep shooting your mouth off to hell. Again.. I look forward to seeing you when i get there there.

..i'm so confused,Miguel ..
- - -

My mother the car..


.. .. my mother the maniac.. one of the dearest persons i walk the fine lines of such love and hate, contempt and care, remorse and pity..lost in my hatred of her.. and the unknowing of what i'd do without her. How she's fucked up so many things.. yet has conqered so much. Norman Bate's relationship with his mum seems like a picnic sometimes.

I only came out to her because she literally dragged it out of me, she drinks, mixes pills, she used to sit on me like a sumo ..and beat my skull in like a kodo drummer. The entropy in me reflects the entropy in her. She is the strongest woman i know. King Kong has nothing on her as i'm sure she could climb any mountain or building and bring the planet to it's knees if she was so ambitious enough.

..she only calls when there is work to be done, to give me advice that doesn't make sense or is even relevant to my situation. While her heart is in the right place .. i get lost in the dependency of the job she provides to me, the love/hate she has for schizo-fag son.. ((yeh it bothers her to hell i ain' Catholic anymore)), she has me wrapped around her finger like a little bug drowning in a vat of taffy. To break my dependancy from her will will be me finding work outside of this state. Yeh fine.. while i'm still here in "New Life Church-ville" i'll do what i can to promote myself.. and keep trying to work in the community.

But i'm not the "Flash" ..i cannot be everywhere at once. My focus is on Sand Diego right now,resume,Miguel's Ninja Turtle site, and my own work with t2z and the paintings i owe AIDS charity, that and 50 other projects i already committed to. I'm a buzy snapper ..with the most unbalanced schedule ..and the most unreliable tools to do all this with. Everywhere i want,need,hope, and don't want to be..can't sometimes.

.. can't stop tho'..just keep working thru' the blur.. with the blur..

..this was once my home..birthplace .. a place i once loved so much.

Now.. - - the tomb ..god..

.. .. perspective ain' my strong suit. But if this city continues to devour the people that i love ..especially in their time of anguish and peril .. my anger will not subdue.

I am sick of this tomb of a city.. and the hatred, elite, and the false 'community' they claim to reside.


Dobsen,.. you can go fuck yourself with a broken beer bottle.

Ira Glass

..SHUT THE FUCK UP !!

+ + +

Schizo.. crazy .. crazy-Tokka .."Be crazy ,Tokka.. "

..hahaha.. voices tigers, guns, voices, tigers.. hahaha..

..

..butchers,bakers ..

..candle-light vigil..

what am i anymore.. ..


..and questions without marks. Questions have no answers.. so they just merge with the statements ,facts,quotas,statistics.


.. Somethings are so genetic.. sadly.. somethings are genetic on both sides of my parent's family. Curses and diseases. ME.

somethings maybe i just should have seen coming..


- -

- ..was starting to fall asleep waiting to get a phone call from another job Saturday evening..

..instead..

.. one phone call ..
..


..she's crying..

and scared .. .. i thought she wanted something ..it was strange for me to call her so late. Summin' was wrong. Usually i have to call her to find out what chores she needs me to finish up at the office.

No ..she had something else to say .. ::

.. " .. .. We found a lump in my breast.. "



- -

.. and i dunno ..




>v<

Etiquetas: Colorado Springs, Schizophrenia, tOkKa