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martes, septiembre 09, 2008
09092008 - blackhole:: everything right is wrong again, dark matter
09092008 - blackhole:: everything right is wrong again, dark matter
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Maximillian
..it's right it's wrong.. you're right, Tokka.. you all wrong.. you're all of the above and everything in between.
.". crazy fag and what he does will simply be called ' therapy ' .."
Continue to hate, they will continue to destroy.
They continue to destroy each other.
Does the 'They' really matter ?? Not really, few will read this and fewer ever gets it or understands it.
My pain, my fight ?? So be it.
Little would it matter an explanation. The energy would be wasted explaining and whining. I do my best not to to the ' latter ' anymore.
Maybe i don't need anyone to understand.
75% of the time or more would appear my energies come to me past the latter part of the day. As much as i'd hem and haw .. and as much as i'd dambdably hate to admit, i pretty much a creature of the night. I hate saying it for it limits me. I really feel if i can only function at night, interaction with others in the day time would be inhibited and i would would be afraid to interact with the ' DAY '. A few years back.. 90% of the time i was only venturing out in the evening time .. some of my darkest times and hardest struggles incur with a heavy lack of daylight. Hard for me to understand if i was only able to struggle during those literal dark times or if i was merely hiding. Guess it doesn't matter.. to play ping-pong in the mind about that. My strengths and weaknesses smudge and blend together..not knowing which is which ..what i'm good at much anymore. Less and less of any face i see in the mirror is mine. The less real .. even incrementally i become as all this continues , the more the tigers reign. The tigers i see are more real and much more understandable than these vexatious things conquering my insides.
' SUCK IT ALL IN, TOKKA . '
In the hardest & darkest hours i continue to face the " HOPE - LESS NESS " alone. And yes to solidify that in my consciousness, to settle that in whatever my being is ..to set the mind up to these matters so hoping this time bomb would just go off already.
I'm just another in one of so many possible and infinity of faceless statistics that all end up in a nameless morgue someplace. What makes me think my fucking popularizations are anything special ? ?
I'm venting , ..yeh i'm venting. Yeh fuck that.
Beating the dead horse.. playing xylophone with it's bones. This point i come to so much anymore and it just gets darker.
.. i am creating absolutely everything within' my limited recourse's and energies and matters to no one. The fact that i am unable to market myself perfectly in any faction, function, or facet of any of these 'art worlds' so often is held against me ( admittedly even by me ). Still while it took so long to get my foot in that door that for over 17 years i was trying so hard to get into, at this point i'm ready to either break the whole fucking door down off it's hinges to only have them physically carry me out and throw me off a cliff.
Either way .. i could say ' FUCK THE HATERs' .. well they are still gonna hate me after all is said and done and if i'm still struggling in this plane or if i really do get the gun and shoot this shell of a being that i reside in.
So ' FUCK THE HATERS ' is statement that ultimately i can't really wrap words around let alone blurt out.
However.. i do not which my afflictions to be the soul source of why i must keep creating. I also dont' want it to be just 'therapy'.
Many have said that. "O', Tokka what you do is just therapy.. .. very therapeutic.".
While i cannot deny a truth behind that .. few ever look to or even dare to see beyond that. Even if it delved into the realms of constructive criticism. It's always so hard and has continued to be all these years of just being the fucking odd-ball in all these art communities.
Good or bad.. love me or hate me.. loath me or despise me, i am ' professional ' now ( whatever that fucking title enables me, affords me, detracts from me, or if it'll even destroy me..).
One fights so hard to be taken seriously. To establish oneself as ' something ' even if i am feeling nothing.
And as seriously heated as this existence has become ..and the amount of loss of life, feeling, and what little dignity i ever pretended to have.. the toll has left me blank.
SUCK IT ALL IN, TOKKA .. LIKE THE BLACK HOLE ..suck it all in..
V.I.N.CENT
..creating the end, Fuck the vote..
As the year has remained bitter sweet, small victories and terrible losses. There is nothing ' DEMOCRATIC ' i look forward to in November.. as i am numb and disillusioned to not just this existence, but institutions and processes in general. And people are prying me who it is i'd ' VOTE ' for.
I refuse to take part in polls, i refuse to express who i shall vote for. I am not convinced my vote matters in any regard. However those that know me know i will vote and their suspicions of who i'd vote for are correct. All i'll say anymore i'd drink 10 gallons of battery acid before i voted for anything in the ' BLUE '. South of Denver one is drowning in one of the REDNECK states. Seemed there was a time when that was considered a very personal item. Then again a ' YOU TUBE ' generation has different demands so it seems.
So it goes. And so this process is something i no longer understand or have nil faith in any longer.
Numbing in general just won't go away .. and it defiantly seems like my end is drawing so desperately close. As the anxiety increases and the demands increase.. so much faster my body's experience with sensation ' shuts - down '. Therapist continued to say that the numbing and the fact that i cannot feel is overall could be / is a stress reaction. As much i'd wish to stop the burning.. it has been the ultimate remedy and 'medication' i've needed, it's been the ONLY thing that has worked.
The welts i guess i 'd call them on my flesh vary. Some are worse than others. I'd hoped to lessen these actions as i know they make me ever increasingly uglier than i already am. But as one of a Monster mind.. i know i cannot be cared for or loved in any external sence for any semblance of longer than a spurt.
"One cannot be loved if one does not love oneself." ..so be it , another adage that has proven itself wrong a number of times now. Guess i best not worry about it. Tho' i say that now and i know i will.
I cannot be what i am not. As one who is not real .. it might be best to get back to focusing on terminating this existence. It's all i've ever really begged for, it's all i've ever known i've needed.
Creating myself into something i am not was not ever anything i was good at. Entropy people may try to do those things that the norm may, but it's always proven fruitless in what i have witnessed.
i guess one can also get swept up in definitions.. at least i excel at trying to to find out what all this struggle means.
Whatever. This is where am .. and i am on ground zero and while the entity of communities may hate the fact that i am here.. i will continue to create, even if it destroys me literally. Part of me hopes it does. some of it already has and is.
And as my mom continues to struggle.. if she dies, then i will eradicate myself on the spot.
'Suck it up,Tokka'..
Suck the business end of a gun.
..it's getting old,Bob
..coined the quote i didn't create, and i use it all the time. Insert coin, make a call..
.. "The fucking crazy fag in that basement." ..yeh yeh yeh..
those words burned into my skull like a branding iron, a brief and awkward incident with an ignorant person i thought i knew.]
Now it seems to just seems to sum a stereotype up..and it's a term i use all time.
And i suppose that's all they'll continue to ever see.
As i continue to sink in the basement.. with going on my 8th year .. in the basement or in quicksand. A sinking vassal or a crashing Hindenburg. Even whatever goes up in flames must eventually fall and sink. And in sinking.. it doesn't ever get any brighter. I suppose i can not ever be rescued .. and that is why i've continued to just try what i can to keep myself afloat on my own. But even this is becoming so futile. Unable to support myself on anything beyond the fucking odd jobbing.. so goddamn tired this is. The money is beyond pathetic and do to some very foolish people, i'm about to go into bankruptcy. So be it .. to get these douche bags off my back and to stop the threats on who they think is just this crazy fuck in the basement. Whatever i may be.. ultimately .. you've won nothing, financially or any other way. The end is ever nigh .. and soon the foolish, corporate and corrupt ends fucking with me will have gained nothing but have wasted so much of their energies. Idiots .
S.T.A.R.
Z.
Been trying to get hold of him for awhile now. He'd been at the home schizophrenic home outside of this city ( or whatever you'd call it ) he'd been at for over a year now is grounded to a land line. Residents use it allot so it's hard to get thru'.
But he was down here with his mom last night, so he called.. he always always ALWAYS apologises for ' what he put me thru ' and what we went thru'. Never fails. Same guy with a mind so profound and beyond any matter what these pathetic excuses for humans could ever understand or appreciate.
He apologises .. then he laughs. Then he asks me if i'm still reading books on Tibet and the Dalai Llama</i and if i still have them. I said yes.
As dark as his life could have been and as misunderstood and mistreated he'd been since he was a kid he was the counter balance to my darkness so many times.
As much of the chaotic that has surrounded and swarmed us in the times when we lived together..he became so much a little brother. I wanted to take care of him so badly.
In time i grew to care for him so deeply, sadly even that had it's own physiological repercussions. Some of which i don't know if i could handle anymore.
And it comes down to this ..
decision for eradication, even i admit becomes a challenge.
I still love him ( yes in every sense of the word ) ..
Cygnus ....
..dark matter .. no matter nothingness even in atoms.
The dark matter that comprises me is breaking up.
I was only pretending to be human. Your suspicions were correct, i wasn't ever. And yes, as i stated before where i go .. i dream of hell.
Wake the fuck up, global warm up !!
Get your fucking prescription changed, Sarah Pailin..you evil, bitch !!
It's destructive mindsets like hers and of coarse Bush's that hide in a powerful ignorance ( and a mindset very common in the South of Denver ) that not only changes history and increases intolerance & division on the home front & globally.
It potentially could kill everyone.
And once you go into that ' Black Hole ' there is no escape and everything changes. Once it sucks you in, there is no turning back. Decisions and actions need to be made RIGHT FUCKING NOW to save this planet. Hell even waiting for November isn't gonna solve shit.
No i know i' ain't perfect on the fore front !!
The war continues .. all the wars .. and the war on the 'WARMING' .. if we all loose that .. WE ALL .. ' W E A L L 'LOOSE !!
No the perfect soldier on the front line, but at least i try !!
All i can say. Get to it, or loose it all !!
Palomino
Fine ..i'm a bad person ..
Still needing desperate to keep the date with a gun.
I suppose it's the less than 10-step guide to giving a fire arm a blowjob.
.. working non-stop .. project, after project.
Not complaining to much ..making things i am positive will blow people away to varying degrees. Things are tightening up so rapidly, though. The anxiety is so fierce. I didn't anticipate i'd have this hard of a ' FALL ' after returning from California. Seems to happen each year.. but it was pretty venomous this time around.
While so much to do and so much work to continue, there are those that will do all they can to hinder me.
God damm i wish i was like all my peers. Seems all they gotta do is breath hard and then the get work.
My hard work takes me down down into even more obscurity.
I don't get that.
Still .. for what ever reason i'm still hacking at it.
Tho' i am dangerously close loosing what is left in this existence, including this excuse for consciousness..
'SUCK IT UP, Tokka'
they continue to underestimate me as they always have.
And sometimes that's been enough of a driver for my ' DARK MATTER ' to come out through' the other side of the black hole.
Then again - - -
.. >v<
Etiquetas: Cygnus, Hades, Maximillian, Old Bob, Palomino, S.T.A.R., terrible2z.com, The Black Hole, tOkKa, V.I.N.CENT