08222007 .. try-grr





-->> Press his head .. tiger growls,revs,growls,laughs, revs and goes..

Good Morning,Mr.Wong..
** ** **


..seemed like i was used by someone.. ..

..thought a plane blew up before it left the hangar..

No one will read this..those that do fail to understand.

But i'd just run my my mouth off and blow my a hole in my head .. then maybe .. after that they'd try.

Maybe this is a chakra ..but it also is a madness.

Why am i trying to face this sh6t anymore ?? Why do i fight ??

At least i try.. but no matter what i struggle with or how hard i face it.. it's not good enough ever f8cking EVER.

Tigers tigers tigers.. sometimes i don't care about the tigers, i need the chaotix to cease and the pain to roll back sevear.

But there is no one to talk to.. No one to relate. Sorry.. just popping more pills and going to the bar,shooting illegal sh6t, just doesn't do it for me. Good on you for those it works..

.. but with the madness of this third eye .. and the continued clichés; i don't need delusion and of these things as i'm already far to lost in this cycle.

Are the clichés they drown me in really meant with good intent ..or is it just systematic and false ?? I don't know anymore.

..growin' numb again.

F6ckin' awesome. Maybe i'll drive the soldering iron right thru' my eyes instead of just lashing myself on the back like i usually do.




**

I've had a difficult time placing words for what just happened., prolly cuz nothing like this had ever happened to me before.

So as i take those steps.. the volcano erupts again as it spews out thoughts that none relates to.



And pain on has no 'meter' ..

.. there is no limit to the amount of damage it can inflict.. mind, body and soul ..i can be relative.

Sometimes it is i guess.


.. as usual i am confused by the individuals who are against ideology of me destroying myself and gaining the peace i need.

What's even more confusing is those that would be against me killing me.. yet they'd soon be ready to inflict that limitless pain themselves.


.. small number of people knew of what was happening. Really no one to turn to for advice.. i had noone to confide in for how to approach this situation.
As it goes here for Snapper .. and has been. Can't complain too much . for the situation is what it is..still i have noone i can entrust with this info without it turning on my head and it turnin' into something that would be used against me.

While i have support in some instance. It is limited.

The times i've needed downright help in crisis.. that help isn't ever there. Well really hasn't been..there are always exceptions. And so-called help by third parties usually turned into something violent or sent me on a track of wasted energy dealing with institutions and wards of some for or another.
..




Perhaps i choose not to discuss it with some anyway ..


.. i've been aware that i am too much for anyone to love..appears i am too much for anyone to handle.

Do i deserve to be treated the way i was was/am ??


Sometimes .. i don't know what it's like to want to live.. but i have tried to work out the ends of achieving 'happiness'. That itself becomes rather another compulsive ride. Where "trying" and "thinking positive" and doing things,tolerating things that i hope will lead to better futures and paths..many times fall flat on the dusty ground like cardboard dragons and paper tigers. Disappointment,mania,confusion and anger can also take one into the area of disillusionment. A cornerstone of alot of the stances i take on existence in general.
While i confided my heart into someone new ..i was well aware of the risk..was afraid to epic proportions.

The practicality of this relationship was thrown out the window from day one. But i wasn't about to let that stop me.
"Think positive" .. ok fine.. i did .. i did.. i fought.

I try .. i tried ..i struggled.

Ok ..as usual. But there's always something isn't there to add a bit of an extra edge to the knife. Mistakes had been made by me. I deny none of my faults.
A di had been cast..and i was willing to face it with someone new.. and who i was growing to trust.


'Delusion' ..tho' .. i think it's power is underestimated by even me somedays. Communication too.. as in everyday i do all i can to keep 'Communicatin' with those i care about and work for. I beg ..i pleed.. i convulse to "PLEASE CONTACT ME."

I call,email,message ,Text.. whatever it takes.. but in my drive ..because i care and worry, this becomes compulsion. I am labeled : Obsessed and crazy.
Because i am not clairvoyant (durr).. or not mentally hooked up to the governments' tracking satellite, because i don't know where or what people that expect things out of me are thinking and doing at all times ..


..because there was no plan..

..because there was no 'talk' ..

just a lopsided notion on both sides that it would somehow "come together".

I am as much to share the blame i am sure. But i did try.

I suppose the people that choose not even to think even just a little bit of the plan..would soon build a house on top of a tissue-paper bridge over a river of quicksand.

You have to think .. you have to plan.. and when someone claims to know me..or wants to get to know me.. they have to work with me. The distance traveled by this person was vast.

For them to come see .. was something i was looking forward to all year. This was more important to me than even my San Diego trip..which in some regards feels like a 'Mecca' of sorts every year.

As the anxiety mounted .. from outside factors, those factors always amalgamize into much more monstrous struggles.

More than 5 nervous breakdowns ..3 in one week since mid-August left me so incredibly dark again. The suicidal monster is always there..and i do many things that near severe this 'life line' and allow me that "Forever peace" that is just moments away ..yet an eternity from my grasp.

Death..again is not a bad word to me. and the more those that claim they don't wish to hurt me ..DO ..

..the more rational and clear it becomes. This mind relaxes not. I am so glad for those who can obtain a relative state of contentment. More power to your means. I mean that. Good for you .. to find comfort in whatever it is you do to unwind.

Satisfaction and release. Relaxed conscience and security ..at least on moderate levels.

O well.. i handle it right ?? I destroy myself literally.. that's how. That sets my self up ..

burning myself and drawing my own blood is my real drug.


.. magic pills .. don't cut and something meaningful was meaningless.

In a nervous breakdown ..communication is even more imperative.. for you see i am not coherent.

Simple yes and no answers in text may have to do lest i say something i do not mean and hurt someone.

The person misunderstood me and seemes to refused to get it thru' his head that i was planning for his arrival all this time. Calls from his cell were regulated to less than 2 minutes and just as i'd get to the point, i was cut off. Or there would be a given a 'game show' in the background and the person would barely be able to understand me just short of me getting a bullhorn to scream into the phone with.

Technology is great ..cell phones are great .. let the whole f6cking world in on your phone call !~! Privacy is dead.. why the f7ck you think people calling people in te middle of traffic.. screaming at their kids on the phone in the middle of the mall.
Don't f7ckin' walk into the middle of a crowded restaurant or airport and whip your 'Razor' out and expect a magic seclusion bubble to cover you up and suddenly you call is 'PRIVATE'.

Whatever.

He said he'd call me back ..waiting and waiting. One call ..less than 2 minutes every other week isn't enough time to plan to take your dog to the park. Let alone pick someone up from outside the country,give them a place to stay and take them sight-seeing. Uh ok ..

The Titanic people are still so well known for their planning ahead aren't they.

Makin' it short here.. miscommunication and then no communication .. said person chose to have a 3rd part come down from Denver, pick them up.. a few days later, he discoverd :: Colorado = high altitude.

He developed athema and got very sick. I called him and messaged him. Worried as hell. Frustrated as hell. Hurt and confused.

Another short phone call ..the one discovered he was ill,i was trying to even let the whole miscommunication thing go.. trying to be forgiving and let the fact that :: ' He wouldn't be able to see me on this trip."
Even tho' he diverted his travel plans to colorado specifically to see me. All his friends all over North America got to see him except the one who he claimed mattered the most.

The one who led me on all these months and had my heart in a paper bag all this time.. just doing whatever the f7ck he wanted with it.

The way it goes ,tOkKa .. just how it goes. No reason or explanation .. just how it goes.

He's soon throw me under a passing bus. No rhyme or reason. He'd just do it.

It wasn't ever clear what the hell was going on in the end .. and i'm not sure if he was doing this out of hatred for me or what.

I freek out.. and people get upset me at this. But why do they tell me they will keep touch, call me,write..

.. and then they expect me to help them and bend over backwards,run myself weary, and snap myself in two to help them ..and they kill the communication ?!

I don't get that at all.

YOU WANT MY F*CK ING HELP ?! THEN YOU HAVE TO HELP ME HELP YOU ..




and if you can't stay on the phone longer than a minute .. then don't be a moron.


TELL ME !! I'm schizophrenic but not inept !!

EVERYONE THINKS I AM A MADMAN !! NOONE ..NOONE EVER EVER F8KCING EVER LOOKS AT ME HUMAN !@!

NOW EVEN I DON'T SEE ME AS HUMSAN !!

JESUS ..FUCK ME AGAIN !!



.. .. the was supposed to be here from September 11 ..and stay for three days.



.. again my short chat with him lead to knowledge of his illness. His time in Colorado apparently was extended.

I emailed him telling him i was worried. I called left messages. Someone did pick up once then hung up on me.

This point i am so confused and beyond hurt, Yeh ..'disillusioned'.

Literally ..this person may be alive or dead. And i just don't know.

That's a great portion of the anxiety i am dealt with now. Not the only thing ..but a major part of this tiger stew in my brain.

Times like this i walk a line where i so dream and and want to be normal. Then i see the illogic of what some 'normal' people pass off as communication.

Times like that .. i don't see how being 'normal' and 'healthy-minded' is a good thing. They may as well all be schizophrenic.

.. the tiger stripes i have on my body and the ones i inflict on myself are very much cause for continued struggle and are on my own accord. I understand that ..
Again ..that will be my struggle no matter if i use the gun on me or not.


.. but miscommunication and running me ragged. Thru' nervous breakdowns ..and you smash my heart up.

And you expect me to not be 'frustrated' ??

It's pretty simple to tell me what's up. I speak English. I do know how to drive and dress myself. I am not Quasimodo.

But i am also not a Gypsy mind-reader.

I emphasised the point .. i overemphasized the point til' i was smashing my skull on the wall over and over !!

TALK TO ME.. .. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT !!

If you can only talk to me for a minute. FINE .. TELL ME THAT ON THE ONSET !!

.. no no ..

it's to hard ain' it.

I'm the babbling idiot .. who talks to tigers. But everyone gets lost,dazed and confused.. misunderstands,misdirects ..and throws talking and comprimise out the window.
I'm the rambling moron..

.. and i look around me ..and see the never-ending state of war and entropy.

Yeh ok,folks.. i may be time-bomb.. but at least i try to understand things and the people around me. Least i try to communicate.

.. still no word from the person that stole my heart.

.. i don't know where that's at now.

..holding pattern.


Wish ..like that bands' name ..my 'Third eye was blind'.

Then again .. i'd be a miscommunicating mass of a 'normality' like the rest of 'em.
..

..my problem .. all of it ..

..sometimes i want to hate all of them back , the same way i am hated..

..sometimes..

.. they see my tiger stripes and they fail to understand because they choose to.

Tigers devour me .. while the world devours itself.
We struggle..

..open the eye (s) ..

..grr. -

.. >v<

Etiquetas: Hong Kong, relationship, tiger, tOkKa, toy tiger, used love