11152007 // 2 octaves above middle C

? ?

-->>..November scream .. December blur..tired tired eyes..

..dark aire .. kill your browser..you won't understand a fucking thing i say anyway..right ??

..no days .. no nights.. no time.. noone..that's what the illness does sometimes ??

.. my mother's shadow looms..tho' it retains less the sinister characteristics,thankfully.

I do care for her deeply.. i shall try to be as thankful as i can for this while it lasts.

She still deludes herself..same as when she drinks :: her schizo-fag son writhes on her nerves. A fact she has been screaming about on rare but odd times. I've been raising my voice. 'This game' .. this game she claims isn't,wasn't , can't be.. the topic is dead to me. Or maybe more moot than dead.
The sky remains blue, the wars remain destructive, the toilet water remains blue. Fact is and was. It always will be. Even when i am not 'real'.. i still must be something. It's not about being a homosexual or a bisexual or whatever she wants me to call it.. it's not about the schizophrenia or my slow climb to achieve whatever the fuck i am trying to achieve anymore.
Part of it is a struggle for words even i cannot come up with anymore. I have fumbled thru' this confusing existence having to explain evey single fiber of my being, my actions, my genes, my jeans. Colorado Springs will not ever be a place i can be accepted.. because it failed to be my home along time ago. I am glad my my ma can accept the place after all this time. And havea sence of moderate peace about this fuckhole of a city. While it'll always be my city of birth..it just isn't my "HOME".

As usual .. I know nothing what anything retains or means in time. Legacy and generation are words i may grasp the dictionary meaning of.. but to grasp a word beyond the meaning.. i wonder.. i really wonder:: i think you have had to have felt it at some point. Maybe i haven't crossed those roads yet. Maybe i won't or can't. Someone i onced loved was worried' about my legacy at one time. But those things subside as the chaos just kept taking me for it's ride. And somehow .. another train derailed.. and here i am again.

Communication with loved ones and so called loved ones remains a headache. At some point tho' .. it needs to level off. When the headache becomes a migraine..then the migraine becomes a nightmare :: obsession and confusion sets in. While i know a scattered attention span is the order for many nowadays ( i am no exception ), communication becomes ridiculous when people fail ..after trying my patience to the point of maddness ( no ,literal.. i keep having so many breakdowns anymore.. all i need is that gun ,that is my best medicine right now ).
People just need to stop saying to me " I'll call you.. i'll this.. i'll email you.. i'll that.." ..over ..and over and over andoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandover.. .. - - - to infinity.
You loose graps of the situation.. you become confused, you wonder 'WHY' ..and what you did wrong. How it got to this point. Resentment .. more confusion. Pure anger..self-violence on my body after i become numb,panic .. ..disillusionment ..perhaps more ange ..ok ALOT MORE, .. and then maybe :: conplacent.

I become another villian.. i am 'the crazy' one.. and after all ..what a wonderful and cheap scapegoat :: .."Well he's schizophrenic.. noone understands him anyway."

.. ok cool.

I gave them "Shit .." for after they hurt me so bad .. but they are more than ok to continue to throw thier shit at me and the fan.. and like i've said.. the shit hit the fan and they kept lobbing it until it took the fan with it.

Ah ..the state of the planet ..in some cases so it seems.

Politicians do nothing for me.. "Rock the vote" ..or rock with your cock out.. i "OH EIGHT" means nothing to me..

..bitter ?? I wish i saw it like that .. .. all that was sucked into the void with everything else ..and the time..and the legacies.. and the nothing that i remain despite all that has happened even within' this year. This strange ..strange calander year of some sort. And another run-on sentence.

'Suicide' remains thier bad word. Let it be. I still see only logic within' this. As the gun refuses to judge.. the facinating device is a terrible thing. But forward it goes .. and my direction.. it's ultimate aim shall be me. While i'd often hoped to die much more horrifically..it's simplicity is welcomed anymore as my heart and brain refuse to settle thier differences.

As those who had used me.. or sought to use me.. or are een now..(trying to 'USE' me right now.. stabbing the turnip and hoping to obtain blood ) .. San la Muerte just stays there ..in every other thought. Always in my dreams. I have not seen her in nightmares. She has not ever been anything of nightmares. But path i walk with her is not yet complete..tho' once again the path with her is riddled with more tigers and an ever thicker fog. Perhaps soon..when i least expect it she will full embrace me and i will forever be silent. Naw.. it's not suicide.. it's freedom..and a complete cycle of chaos. San La Muerte is good.


? ?

My newest EX.. the few i've had ..left his stains and wounds on me. His photo remains at my bedside. I think of him too much ..and he still lives in his angel world of fluffy clouds and 'Hello Kitty' despite the pain he caused.. he seems to continue to not give a fuck who he hurts in his wake of marshmallow fluff and confusion. While i had wasted massive amounnts of energy trying to wrap my head around all of it, he retains 'Himself' as higher and better than anyone. While i still try to convince myself he is a good person. He continues to play me like fucking cello. Now the strings are breaking.. ..even after the initial breakup, one of the most confusing delluded and secluded ones i have ever had. I am not sure how much longer i can retain a grasp of 'HIM' ..but before the floodgates crack under the pressure and flood the opera hall, i am trying to maintain as much level thinking as i can. No .. ain't easy for the schzo-snapper. I'll try not to bitch about it tho'. Still don't get it , tho'.

(SP)

? ?

As the world falls apart.. i try to do 'my part' to at least retain the "WHATEVER".. i will be in a gracious and kind friend's sequential art show. It's nice ..for once to be seen as an actual comi book artist.. and not just some crazy 'fine-art phuck'. But it's a tricky balance as much art as i am trying to complete,personal projects,all the TMNT fan news, and the wonderful chaos ..o the chaos.. i have to keep up with so much. I get slow some parts of the year.. but i keep my promises and i :: "GIT HER DONE".

.. i get things done.. i follow thru'.

Fag,schizo .. whatever.. if the bastards had thier way i would be typing this in my delusions in the state psych-ward in Pueblo.

Yet this puppeteer,animator,designer,cartoonist,comic artist,writer,pop-artist,fine artist,.. mama's schizophrenic and homosexual son..

..this suicidalist near the heart of Bush's country.. ..

..is typing this.

Dunno what it means..



right now.. i am really fucking dark. I am getting numb tho' .. :/



..Oi got shit to do. Court in a few hours.. dammit.

(( ah, ma.. can't you just be happy with me.. can't you just not be conflicted by me ..)) .."Schizophrenic and gay.. schizophrenic and gay .. opera.. opera.. "

HA HA .. HA HA HA ..

..god, that gun .. well alone i remain to deal with such details.. back to that in a few moments.


Hmm.. the fucks don't understand a word i am saying still ?? They still are bothered that i am trying to make them think .. even without even trying ?!

..maybe they'd understand it if handed them a brick and told them to shove it up thier rectum. Hell .. i'll even help them out if they wish.

.. or perhaps.. they'd like to listen to the cello. "F-holes" ..


..can't think - -


bravo, maestro .. i wasn't ever anything to you.

..heh


..>v<

Etiquetas: (sp), cello, Schizophrenia, terrible2z.com, tiger, tOkKa

Self-FRIGHTOUS,clueless;days the south of Denver devours itself..

-->>..
If this chaos is 'humanity' in this city..and the destructive humdrum bustle in what appears almost as if people are trying to destroy each other..

Let the hatred flow thru' them .. ..they'll mourn not for me when i perish ..they'll be to buzy off-roading over what's left of my remains.

..Colorado Springs claims to be the 'BEST CITY TO LIVE IN ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET' ..

Stay away from Dobsen's evil .. ..stay away from 'Focus on the Family' ..the sickening evils in their agenda are not made of Christianity ..or anything to that nature. But of the age old destructors:: lies,deceit,greed control and power.

.. the hypocrisy of the Jesus-Township appears to point otherwise. And that fib it tells itself is growing.

..just riding my bike to where i need to go ..why is it i cannot simply be left be. No .. gonna have 3 or 4 people honking and yelling at me as i ride to deposit my paycheck. Someone saw fit to honk at me when i was in line at the drive-up. I guess all these gas-guzzlers,combat vehicles, and rednecks aren't used to seeing people on bicycles let alone at the bank teller drive-up on a Saturday afternoon.

Sights to see.. the chaotix to me.. people wonder why most of my days are actually at night.. !!

The hostile aire of the day was confusing to me. Tired ..and lost. And the old man hitting his little girl bothered me to hell.

Nothing worked out.. as the blur of the day went on. Repeats and repeats of blurs and tigers and things and confusions. Yeh your head SHALL spin round like a record player until someone smashes it with a croquet mallet into a million tiny shards.

..i grow dark again.. yet i think to the ones depending on me.. it becomes such a difficult line to walk. Tho' i crave death like a parched beast craves water in the lost and war-torn deserts.

God i need to die.

Nothing ..nothing worked out. The lady from where i was supposed to work at failed to call back. Before i knew it i accidentally fell asleep. Waking past 9 P.M. ..loosing feeling. Blank ..and confused.. tromplin' and tripping over clutter.

I receive calls from friends i worry about.. ::my surrogate family.

I always worry about Miguel. I barely take care of myself. Gary and his krew face difficult times.. and Colorado Springs is becoming a tomb again. The skeleton of what once was my home is now turning to dust.

.. if i don't leave soon.. very soon. If good things don't happen soon (yes i am aware i need to work and do what i can to make them happen. Dur. Schizophrenic.. i am .. not moronic.)

..

.. i am running out of focus to keep typing. Parts of whatever ramble and story i thought i could tell here i blowing away.

.. - -

..Cho was in a lot of pain.


More guns wouldn't have helped at all..

Moron N.R.A. .. look overseas.. see where the guns and the bombs go ..and see the endless - - -

morons .. fucking morons.


Bush, butcher.. with every word that drones out of that sickly excuse of a mouth ..little by little you are committing suicide with what ever tiny shred of credibility you thought you had. Keep shooting your mouth off to hell. Again.. I look forward to seeing you when i get there there.

..i'm so confused,Miguel ..
- - -

My mother the car..


.. .. my mother the maniac.. one of the dearest persons i walk the fine lines of such love and hate, contempt and care, remorse and pity..lost in my hatred of her.. and the unknowing of what i'd do without her. How she's fucked up so many things.. yet has conqered so much. Norman Bate's relationship with his mum seems like a picnic sometimes.

I only came out to her because she literally dragged it out of me, she drinks, mixes pills, she used to sit on me like a sumo ..and beat my skull in like a kodo drummer. The entropy in me reflects the entropy in her. She is the strongest woman i know. King Kong has nothing on her as i'm sure she could climb any mountain or building and bring the planet to it's knees if she was so ambitious enough.

..she only calls when there is work to be done, to give me advice that doesn't make sense or is even relevant to my situation. While her heart is in the right place .. i get lost in the dependency of the job she provides to me, the love/hate she has for schizo-fag son.. ((yeh it bothers her to hell i ain' Catholic anymore)), she has me wrapped around her finger like a little bug drowning in a vat of taffy. To break my dependancy from her will will be me finding work outside of this state. Yeh fine.. while i'm still here in "New Life Church-ville" i'll do what i can to promote myself.. and keep trying to work in the community.

But i'm not the "Flash" ..i cannot be everywhere at once. My focus is on Sand Diego right now,resume,Miguel's Ninja Turtle site, and my own work with t2z and the paintings i owe AIDS charity, that and 50 other projects i already committed to. I'm a buzy snapper ..with the most unbalanced schedule ..and the most unreliable tools to do all this with. Everywhere i want,need,hope, and don't want to be..can't sometimes.

.. can't stop tho'..just keep working thru' the blur.. with the blur..

..this was once my home..birthplace .. a place i once loved so much.

Now.. - - the tomb ..god..

.. .. perspective ain' my strong suit. But if this city continues to devour the people that i love ..especially in their time of anguish and peril .. my anger will not subdue.

I am sick of this tomb of a city.. and the hatred, elite, and the false 'community' they claim to reside.


Dobsen,.. you can go fuck yourself with a broken beer bottle.

Ira Glass

..SHUT THE FUCK UP !!

+ + +

Schizo.. crazy .. crazy-Tokka .."Be crazy ,Tokka.. "

..hahaha.. voices tigers, guns, voices, tigers.. hahaha..

..

..butchers,bakers ..

..candle-light vigil..

what am i anymore.. ..


..and questions without marks. Questions have no answers.. so they just merge with the statements ,facts,quotas,statistics.


.. Somethings are so genetic.. sadly.. somethings are genetic on both sides of my parent's family. Curses and diseases. ME.

somethings maybe i just should have seen coming..


- -

- ..was starting to fall asleep waiting to get a phone call from another job Saturday evening..

..instead..

.. one phone call ..
..


..she's crying..

and scared .. .. i thought she wanted something ..it was strange for me to call her so late. Summin' was wrong. Usually i have to call her to find out what chores she needs me to finish up at the office.

No ..she had something else to say .. ::

.. " .. .. We found a lump in my breast.. "



- -

.. and i dunno ..




>v<

Etiquetas: Colorado Springs, Schizophrenia, tOkKa