{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
jueves, septiembre 11, 2008
09112008 - 3 toed
"It's raining my soul, it's raining, but it's raining dead eyes."
-- Guillaume Apollinaire
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-->> .. >v<
Etiquetas: terrible2z.com, tOkKa
martes, septiembre 09, 2008
09092008 - blackhole:: everything right is wrong again, dark matter
09092008 - blackhole:: everything right is wrong again, dark matter
? ?
Maximillian
..it's right it's wrong.. you're right, Tokka.. you all wrong.. you're all of the above and everything in between.
.". crazy fag and what he does will simply be called ' therapy ' .."
Continue to hate, they will continue to destroy.
They continue to destroy each other.
Does the 'They' really matter ?? Not really, few will read this and fewer ever gets it or understands it.
My pain, my fight ?? So be it.
Little would it matter an explanation. The energy would be wasted explaining and whining. I do my best not to to the ' latter ' anymore.
Maybe i don't need anyone to understand.
75% of the time or more would appear my energies come to me past the latter part of the day. As much as i'd hem and haw .. and as much as i'd dambdably hate to admit, i pretty much a creature of the night. I hate saying it for it limits me. I really feel if i can only function at night, interaction with others in the day time would be inhibited and i would would be afraid to interact with the ' DAY '. A few years back.. 90% of the time i was only venturing out in the evening time .. some of my darkest times and hardest struggles incur with a heavy lack of daylight. Hard for me to understand if i was only able to struggle during those literal dark times or if i was merely hiding. Guess it doesn't matter.. to play ping-pong in the mind about that. My strengths and weaknesses smudge and blend together..not knowing which is which ..what i'm good at much anymore. Less and less of any face i see in the mirror is mine. The less real .. even incrementally i become as all this continues , the more the tigers reign. The tigers i see are more real and much more understandable than these vexatious things conquering my insides.
' SUCK IT ALL IN, TOKKA . '
In the hardest & darkest hours i continue to face the " HOPE - LESS NESS " alone. And yes to solidify that in my consciousness, to settle that in whatever my being is ..to set the mind up to these matters so hoping this time bomb would just go off already.
I'm just another in one of so many possible and infinity of faceless statistics that all end up in a nameless morgue someplace. What makes me think my fucking popularizations are anything special ? ?
I'm venting , ..yeh i'm venting. Yeh fuck that.
Beating the dead horse.. playing xylophone with it's bones. This point i come to so much anymore and it just gets darker.
.. i am creating absolutely everything within' my limited recourse's and energies and matters to no one. The fact that i am unable to market myself perfectly in any faction, function, or facet of any of these 'art worlds' so often is held against me ( admittedly even by me ). Still while it took so long to get my foot in that door that for over 17 years i was trying so hard to get into, at this point i'm ready to either break the whole fucking door down off it's hinges to only have them physically carry me out and throw me off a cliff.
Either way .. i could say ' FUCK THE HATERs' .. well they are still gonna hate me after all is said and done and if i'm still struggling in this plane or if i really do get the gun and shoot this shell of a being that i reside in.
So ' FUCK THE HATERS ' is statement that ultimately i can't really wrap words around let alone blurt out.
However.. i do not which my afflictions to be the soul source of why i must keep creating. I also dont' want it to be just 'therapy'.
Many have said that. "O', Tokka what you do is just therapy.. .. very therapeutic.".
While i cannot deny a truth behind that .. few ever look to or even dare to see beyond that. Even if it delved into the realms of constructive criticism. It's always so hard and has continued to be all these years of just being the fucking odd-ball in all these art communities.
Good or bad.. love me or hate me.. loath me or despise me, i am ' professional ' now ( whatever that fucking title enables me, affords me, detracts from me, or if it'll even destroy me..).
One fights so hard to be taken seriously. To establish oneself as ' something ' even if i am feeling nothing.
And as seriously heated as this existence has become ..and the amount of loss of life, feeling, and what little dignity i ever pretended to have.. the toll has left me blank.
SUCK IT ALL IN, TOKKA .. LIKE THE BLACK HOLE ..suck it all in..
V.I.N.CENT
..creating the end, Fuck the vote..
As the year has remained bitter sweet, small victories and terrible losses. There is nothing ' DEMOCRATIC ' i look forward to in November.. as i am numb and disillusioned to not just this existence, but institutions and processes in general. And people are prying me who it is i'd ' VOTE ' for.
I refuse to take part in polls, i refuse to express who i shall vote for. I am not convinced my vote matters in any regard. However those that know me know i will vote and their suspicions of who i'd vote for are correct. All i'll say anymore i'd drink 10 gallons of battery acid before i voted for anything in the ' BLUE '. South of Denver one is drowning in one of the REDNECK states. Seemed there was a time when that was considered a very personal item. Then again a ' YOU TUBE ' generation has different demands so it seems.
So it goes. And so this process is something i no longer understand or have nil faith in any longer.
Numbing in general just won't go away .. and it defiantly seems like my end is drawing so desperately close. As the anxiety increases and the demands increase.. so much faster my body's experience with sensation ' shuts - down '. Therapist continued to say that the numbing and the fact that i cannot feel is overall could be / is a stress reaction. As much i'd wish to stop the burning.. it has been the ultimate remedy and 'medication' i've needed, it's been the ONLY thing that has worked.
The welts i guess i 'd call them on my flesh vary. Some are worse than others. I'd hoped to lessen these actions as i know they make me ever increasingly uglier than i already am. But as one of a Monster mind.. i know i cannot be cared for or loved in any external sence for any semblance of longer than a spurt.
"One cannot be loved if one does not love oneself." ..so be it , another adage that has proven itself wrong a number of times now. Guess i best not worry about it. Tho' i say that now and i know i will.
I cannot be what i am not. As one who is not real .. it might be best to get back to focusing on terminating this existence. It's all i've ever really begged for, it's all i've ever known i've needed.
Creating myself into something i am not was not ever anything i was good at. Entropy people may try to do those things that the norm may, but it's always proven fruitless in what i have witnessed.
i guess one can also get swept up in definitions.. at least i excel at trying to to find out what all this struggle means.
Whatever. This is where am .. and i am on ground zero and while the entity of communities may hate the fact that i am here.. i will continue to create, even if it destroys me literally. Part of me hopes it does. some of it already has and is.
And as my mom continues to struggle.. if she dies, then i will eradicate myself on the spot.
'Suck it up,Tokka'..
Suck the business end of a gun.
..it's getting old,Bob
..coined the quote i didn't create, and i use it all the time. Insert coin, make a call..
.. "The fucking crazy fag in that basement." ..yeh yeh yeh..
those words burned into my skull like a branding iron, a brief and awkward incident with an ignorant person i thought i knew.]
Now it seems to just seems to sum a stereotype up..and it's a term i use all time.
And i suppose that's all they'll continue to ever see.
As i continue to sink in the basement.. with going on my 8th year .. in the basement or in quicksand. A sinking vassal or a crashing Hindenburg. Even whatever goes up in flames must eventually fall and sink. And in sinking.. it doesn't ever get any brighter. I suppose i can not ever be rescued .. and that is why i've continued to just try what i can to keep myself afloat on my own. But even this is becoming so futile. Unable to support myself on anything beyond the fucking odd jobbing.. so goddamn tired this is. The money is beyond pathetic and do to some very foolish people, i'm about to go into bankruptcy. So be it .. to get these douche bags off my back and to stop the threats on who they think is just this crazy fuck in the basement. Whatever i may be.. ultimately .. you've won nothing, financially or any other way. The end is ever nigh .. and soon the foolish, corporate and corrupt ends fucking with me will have gained nothing but have wasted so much of their energies. Idiots .
S.T.A.R.
Z.
Been trying to get hold of him for awhile now. He'd been at the home schizophrenic home outside of this city ( or whatever you'd call it ) he'd been at for over a year now is grounded to a land line. Residents use it allot so it's hard to get thru'.
But he was down here with his mom last night, so he called.. he always always ALWAYS apologises for ' what he put me thru ' and what we went thru'. Never fails. Same guy with a mind so profound and beyond any matter what these pathetic excuses for humans could ever understand or appreciate.
He apologises .. then he laughs. Then he asks me if i'm still reading books on Tibet and the Dalai Llama</i and if i still have them. I said yes.
As dark as his life could have been and as misunderstood and mistreated he'd been since he was a kid he was the counter balance to my darkness so many times.
As much of the chaotic that has surrounded and swarmed us in the times when we lived together..he became so much a little brother. I wanted to take care of him so badly.
In time i grew to care for him so deeply, sadly even that had it's own physiological repercussions. Some of which i don't know if i could handle anymore.
And it comes down to this ..
decision for eradication, even i admit becomes a challenge.
I still love him ( yes in every sense of the word ) ..
Cygnus ....
..dark matter .. no matter nothingness even in atoms.
The dark matter that comprises me is breaking up.
I was only pretending to be human. Your suspicions were correct, i wasn't ever. And yes, as i stated before where i go .. i dream of hell.
Wake the fuck up, global warm up !!
Get your fucking prescription changed, Sarah Pailin..you evil, bitch !!
It's destructive mindsets like hers and of coarse Bush's that hide in a powerful ignorance ( and a mindset very common in the South of Denver ) that not only changes history and increases intolerance & division on the home front & globally.
It potentially could kill everyone.
And once you go into that ' Black Hole ' there is no escape and everything changes. Once it sucks you in, there is no turning back. Decisions and actions need to be made RIGHT FUCKING NOW to save this planet. Hell even waiting for November isn't gonna solve shit.
No i know i' ain't perfect on the fore front !!
The war continues .. all the wars .. and the war on the 'WARMING' .. if we all loose that .. WE ALL .. ' W E A L L 'LOOSE !!
No the perfect soldier on the front line, but at least i try !!
All i can say. Get to it, or loose it all !!
Palomino
Fine ..i'm a bad person ..
Still needing desperate to keep the date with a gun.
I suppose it's the less than 10-step guide to giving a fire arm a blowjob.
.. working non-stop .. project, after project.
Not complaining to much ..making things i am positive will blow people away to varying degrees. Things are tightening up so rapidly, though. The anxiety is so fierce. I didn't anticipate i'd have this hard of a ' FALL ' after returning from California. Seems to happen each year.. but it was pretty venomous this time around.
While so much to do and so much work to continue, there are those that will do all they can to hinder me.
God damm i wish i was like all my peers. Seems all they gotta do is breath hard and then the get work.
My hard work takes me down down into even more obscurity.
I don't get that.
Still .. for what ever reason i'm still hacking at it.
Tho' i am dangerously close loosing what is left in this existence, including this excuse for consciousness..
'SUCK IT UP, Tokka'
they continue to underestimate me as they always have.
And sometimes that's been enough of a driver for my ' DARK MATTER ' to come out through' the other side of the black hole.
Then again - - -
.. >v<
Etiquetas: Cygnus, Hades, Maximillian, Old Bob, Palomino, S.T.A.R., terrible2z.com, The Black Hole, tOkKa, V.I.N.CENT
domingo, agosto 24, 2008
Originally submitted at 80sTees.com
This Super Mario Brothers shirt features the pipe-dwelling Piranha Plant, along with the tagline "Oh Snap!"
..crunch n' much
By tOkKa from South of Denver on 8/24/2008
Pros: Show Piranha Pride, Perfect for Snappers, Comfortable, Great for Koopa Gardeners, Fun for Hungry Troopas, High Quality, Soft, Stylish, Washes Well, Flattering
Cons: NOT4 pestcontrolAdvocates, None, No fun for Koopa haters
Best Uses: Pirahna socialite events, Special Occasions, Leisure Wear, Koopa Flower SHOWS, Cocktail Party, To School, Casual Work Days
Describe Yourself: Casual, Consumate Plumber Eater, Eclectic, Classic, Bargain Shopper, Trendy
“You make me so mad I could spit!”
-->> This shirt just looks cool as hell.
IT's also fun to see more villain Mario characters getting out on the Nintendo Clothing assortments.
From S.M.B.3 ..this is the Ptooie Piranha flower as ya may know who like to balance the little spikey balls with their breath and lips and like to spit things at the Marios in subsiquent games.
Another unique & fun design. That's what i'm aiming for when i get stuff like this.
A Mario shirt you aren't gonna see at the damm Target and one with a little special character i care about.
Perfect gift for your favourite Snapper. I bet kids will love this shirt as well.
That's the magic of Shigeru Miyamoto's little creepy video game creations.
>v<
..crunch n munch ** -
Tags: Yummy plumber, Made with Product, Using Product, Dinner Time, Picture of Product
(legalese)
Etiquetas: 80s Tees, Pakkun Flower, Piranha Plant, Ptooie, Super Mario Bros. 3, tOkKa
domingo, agosto 10, 2008
![Tales of the TMNT [[v.2 ]] #48 / large scan (( July 2008 ))](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3239/2716697030_de04d8b737.jpg)
-->> On stands NOW!!
Support your LOCO -artist !!
**This current issue of ' TALES ' features tOkKa's first official TMNT Work EVER!!
>v<
Etiquetas: MIRAGE PUBLISHING, Tales of the TMNT, Terrorpin, TMNT, tOkKa, www.terrible2z.com
lunes, junio 16, 2008
06162008 - mighty morphine
..way ta go,Power Ranger
**
Bending Jesus over..
..the roller coaster always continues, and i'm so weary.
Sleep is even more f8cked up than usual..tho' this time of year it isn't uncommon. San Diego brings out a twisted work ethic in me. And in my usual last minute fashion i try to get so much done for the business trip / barely vacation. Phht .. not all the morphine in the world can stop my shatter - heart from racin'. Apparently not any amount of fuggin' morphine would help get me an adequet amount of sleep. So much to do..so much to do. God i'm so tired.
**
Loss, Gain, Loss, Gain ..die'it Try it..
..loose weight now, ask me how..
..after almost loosin' my ma. Loosing Carol earlier this year, fear instilled the other day as my mom's brother is fighting for his life.
A preacher but a good man. The only uncle i have on my mom's side and by far the coolest old fellow. Him and my ma had their ups and downs.. but they loved each other alot. He's a person i'd refer to as a 'True Christian ' ( not being one at all ..some people have problems with me stating these things. ). For a long time now he'd opened up his home to adopting kids less fortunate. Giving them a good home and a second chance, guidance and love. Yeh a real Christian. Then his b6tch wife, a woman i thought i knew.. i thought was my aunt..and a person i thought was just as good a person went on ( in classic fundamentalist hypocrisy ) and had an affair with another person of ' GOD '. How dare the b8tch turn around and accuse my uncle of being ' un GOD ly ' an then she goes and takes everything, divorces and leaves him and the children with nothing but broken hearts. after this his health has declined to neat-deadly levels. And i am in fear he will loose his life.
My mother remains determined to help him, as we all are. As always she's taking on more than she can chew .. but i remember her saying to him..
" I'm not about to loose you the way I lost Dad."
She's got a heart of gold and the mind of Doctor Frankenstein.
If the fates , God, and Jesus wanna fuck with my ma.. they can go ahead, but they are in for one hell of a fight.
**
Fuck.
While so much entropy entails this drudging along.. i continue to try and retain in the fact that some good things are happening. As i scramble to finish a small but my FIRST major publishing project ..some things look promising. But i am so driven over the edge so swiftly anymore. Nervous breakdowns and seizures .. i dunno what to do or how to handle any of it really. Somehow i do tho'. Falling on my ass and fallin' on my face. Metaphorically and literally.
Flipped the bike early Sunday morning, the crank and pedal have been loose and were coming loose. Lost control, wrapped my ankle in between the front of the frame and the tire somehow. BLAM ** ..to the douche bags that are tryin' to take my ' privilege to drive ' away but also trying to take away my independence.. hope your fuckin' happy. Bastards, ..you won't win in any capacity.
again.. all i crave is peace and if i fuckin' blow myself away.. i still get the peace i want, and you'll get a fucking ton of lawsuits on your ass. Who the fuck do you think your dealing with ?? Yeh maybe i am just the crazy fuck in the basement.. you have NOT had the right to do any of this not to me or anyone, and you DO IT ANYWAY !! Yeh well fuck you. I'm not as stupid as you take me to be .. and i also understand the details of karma.
Go fuck yourselves.
**
London bridge & falling down, even sometimes even i have to say ' goodbye '..
Burning bridges is something i hate doing, i know better.. and i know that most nothing good can come out of it. But after so many lies, being used, and lead on buy a particular family member. A cousin that was a best friend..well over 20 years. More a brother than anything.. betrayal is a wonderful division maker. And so it happens. After stating i would just stay out of his way and not talk to him, these obsessive and painful things he did grow into monsters. Devouring me, killing me ..wanting me to act uncivil and violent towards him.
No .. i will not go to his level.. EVER. another tough decision i've had to make is to burn the bridge between us. The hatred was so powerful, and continuing to allow that bridge between us to stay erect was just continuing to feed it. The love was long gone..and this person has made his choices as i have mine.
If in passing i will struggle to maintain and not become violent with him. Other than that.. he decided to make me his enemy, and i am not falling for his bullshit.
We shall simply be figments of each others' pasts. We shall not ever talk to each other ever again. I have to protect myself from him somehow. Too bad it's come to this. Really it is too bad.
When i say it.. i mean it. and the bridge is now gone.
**
Luckily i am graced to have other dear souls that love me and accept me for who i am and not what i am NOT.
The bond between me and the Barringers continues to grow stronger all the time. While i drifted away from time to time over the years, we always kept contact.
In the late '90s, they were a second family. During all the horrible tension between me and my mom..they were there for me. They fed me, lent me shelter, and friendship.
They have always fought adversity and again ..Mr. & Mrs. Barringer .. here they were these Grandparents raising this kid with C.P. or whatever. Deaf and struggling, Jasen and his family had weathered so many storms. It's not apples and oranges but even the challenges they've faced may even rival anything i think i may have had tough time with.
We've always helped each other out. In sighn language, communication, school and support.. they are good people and again.. ' REAL CHRISTIANS '. Those rich ass f8cks on the Trinity Broadcast Networkhave nothing ..NOTHING on the good people i know. I'll see the 700 Club in hell. To f7ck that twisted, evil ' NEWS' putlet could get 700 CLUBBED for all i care.
The Barringers spoke with action and not just their hearts. Maybe i disagree with them philosophically. I refuse to deny how wonderful a people they are.
Mrs.B was so special. And unlike some i'd known ..she genuinely wanted to reach out to people to get to know them and care about them. Know where they were coming from and provide whatever emotional and spiritual support she could without condemnation.
While Mr.B was the backbone of the couple.. she was the pulse, the heart. As a Revolutionist, sometimes he'd say things to me that were actually things that made me want to argue with him. Frightening things, and some that made me angry ..but i always shutup out of respect for him. Mrs.B wasn't like that, she taught me a certain amount of tolerance for people. Even ideologies i disagree with. When the love is there, that's what really matters. And above all the disagreements.. the heart reigns over all no matter what. I could tell her just about everything .. in fact i almost did. I even almost came out to her. Hell she even fucking tried to see my side of the suicidal tendency i seem to embrace. She didn't chastise me, she didn't rub God in my face. She just understood, and cared and told me anytime i needed to talk.. she'd listen.
When she died in 2002.. so much was happening, too much. This dark decade got even darker.. and i just wanted to remember her how she was, i didn't want to go to the memorial service. The fact that it was also held at the awful and BIG super-church:: NEW LIFE also just added to the anxiety of the situation.
I never even visited her site at the cemetery. Some respect i'd shown.
:{
This past Friday, that changed.. i'd been meaning for weeks to hook up with Jasen and his still new wife;Keo. F8ck 'it.. i decided to just do it. Mr.B was gonna make one of his usual, ritual trips t visit Mrs.B's site. Keo also had not ever been there, so the 4 of us made a visit. I helped clean up the site, we cut and laid flowers around and Mr.B lead a prayer.
6 years later.. how pathetic i am. But i finally said goodbye to her. As we left i kissed her stone. Maybe i'll come back and visit the site who knows. But i had to do this .. for myself at least. It's a shame i just took so long. Better late than never.
Yeh right.
I thanked her for what she en-stilled in Mr.B and Jasen and what he passes on to Keo, her friendship and understanding.
..tho' i have decided to say 'Goodbye' .. or see ya later.
Whatever the heck it is, Mrs.B ..
I still love and miss you terribly.
We all do.
..>v<
Etiquetas: Barringers, goodbye, terrible2z, tOkKa
martes, enero 29, 2008
-->> .. follow up to **retromuta -
** ** retromuta - Foot ((click)) ..
..>v<
Etiquetas: retromutagen ooze, Shredder, tOkKa
domingo, diciembre 30, 2007
B/W TMNT..Four things GOOD about the end of '07 & the worst pies in London..? ? ? ?
-->> People thinkin' i'm all dark and dead inside as my heard fills with tigers..
..i need things divisible by 2 ..so i'll make it four..
4 good things about this craptacular helliday f7ckin' season..
1)
NECA listened to my idea for B and W variants of TMNT classic figs .. that idea is now up for approval..
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2) .. i AM getting this robot ..
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3) ..my sweet niece.. who is about 10 Trazillion X sweeter than the lot of ya put together n' bundled up n' covered in Corn Syrup n' cococa juice.. ;)
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4)..Helena Bonham Carter makes the worst pies in London ..
& is Mrs.Lovette in the coolest freekin' T.Burton movie I.M.H.O. since Batman RETURNS and 1 of my favourite villains and actresses in 'Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street'
..THERE !! ..
..no you n' my therapist ..
QUIT'YIR BITCHIN' ..
GET OUTTA MY KITCHEN !!
It's time for some Turtle soup !!
.. GRAAAAAAAAAHH!! ..>v<
Etiquetas: NECA, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, terrible2z.com, TMNT, tOkKa, X-mess, ??????? GX-33 Spider-man and Leopaldon Robot
jueves, noviembre 15, 2007
11152007 // 2 octaves above middle C
? ?
-->>..November scream .. December blur..tired tired eyes..
..dark aire .. kill your browser..you won't understand a fucking thing i say anyway..right ??
..no days .. no nights.. no time.. noone..that's what the illness does sometimes ??
.. my mother's shadow looms..tho' it retains less the sinister characteristics,thankfully.
I do care for her deeply.. i shall try to be as thankful as i can for this while it lasts.
She still deludes herself..same as when she drinks :: her schizo-fag son writhes on her nerves. A fact she has been screaming about on rare but odd times. I've been raising my voice. 'This game' .. this game she claims isn't,wasn't , can't be.. the topic is dead to me. Or maybe more moot than dead.
The sky remains blue, the wars remain destructive, the toilet water remains blue. Fact is and was. It always will be. Even when i am not 'real'.. i still must be something. It's not about being a homosexual or a bisexual or whatever she wants me to call it.. it's not about the schizophrenia or my slow climb to achieve whatever the fuck i am trying to achieve anymore.
Part of it is a struggle for words even i cannot come up with anymore. I have fumbled thru' this confusing existence having to explain evey single fiber of my being, my actions, my genes, my jeans. Colorado Springs will not ever be a place i can be accepted.. because it failed to be my home along time ago. I am glad my my ma can accept the place after all this time. And havea sence of moderate peace about this fuckhole of a city. While it'll always be my city of birth..it just isn't my "HOME".
As usual .. I know nothing what anything retains or means in time. Legacy and generation are words i may grasp the dictionary meaning of.. but to grasp a word beyond the meaning.. i wonder.. i really wonder:: i think you have had to have felt it at some point. Maybe i haven't crossed those roads yet. Maybe i won't or can't. Someone i onced loved was worried' about my legacy at one time. But those things subside as the chaos just kept taking me for it's ride. And somehow .. another train derailed.. and here i am again.
Communication with loved ones and so called loved ones remains a headache. At some point tho' .. it needs to level off. When the headache becomes a migraine..then the migraine becomes a nightmare :: obsession and confusion sets in. While i know a scattered attention span is the order for many nowadays ( i am no exception ), communication becomes ridiculous when people fail ..after trying my patience to the point of maddness ( no ,literal.. i keep having so many breakdowns anymore.. all i need is that gun ,that is my best medicine right now ).
People just need to stop saying to me " I'll call you.. i'll this.. i'll email you.. i'll that.." ..over ..and over and over andoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandover.. .. - - - to infinity.
You loose graps of the situation.. you become confused, you wonder 'WHY' ..and what you did wrong. How it got to this point. Resentment .. more confusion. Pure anger..self-violence on my body after i become numb,panic .. ..disillusionment ..perhaps more ange ..ok ALOT MORE, .. and then maybe :: conplacent.
I become another villian.. i am 'the crazy' one.. and after all ..what a wonderful and cheap scapegoat :: .."Well he's schizophrenic.. noone understands him anyway."
.. ok cool.
I gave them "Shit .." for after they hurt me so bad .. but they are more than ok to continue to throw thier shit at me and the fan.. and like i've said.. the shit hit the fan and they kept lobbing it until it took the fan with it.
Ah ..the state of the planet ..in some cases so it seems.
Politicians do nothing for me.. "Rock the vote" ..or rock with your cock out.. i "OH EIGHT" means nothing to me..
..bitter ?? I wish i saw it like that .. .. all that was sucked into the void with everything else ..and the time..and the legacies.. and the nothing that i remain despite all that has happened even within' this year. This strange ..strange calander year of some sort. And another run-on sentence.
'Suicide' remains thier bad word. Let it be. I still see only logic within' this. As the gun refuses to judge.. the facinating device is a terrible thing. But forward it goes .. and my direction.. it's ultimate aim shall be me. While i'd often hoped to die much more horrifically..it's simplicity is welcomed anymore as my heart and brain refuse to settle thier differences.
As those who had used me.. or sought to use me.. or are een now..(trying to 'USE' me right now.. stabbing the turnip and hoping to obtain blood ) .. San la Muerte just stays there ..in every other thought. Always in my dreams. I have not seen her in nightmares. She has not ever been anything of nightmares. But path i walk with her is not yet complete..tho' once again the path with her is riddled with more tigers and an ever thicker fog. Perhaps soon..when i least expect it she will full embrace me and i will forever be silent. Naw.. it's not suicide.. it's freedom..and a complete cycle of chaos. San La Muerte is good.
? ?
My newest EX.. the few i've had ..left his stains and wounds on me. His photo remains at my bedside. I think of him too much ..and he still lives in his angel world of fluffy clouds and 'Hello Kitty' despite the pain he caused.. he seems to continue to not give a fuck who he hurts in his wake of marshmallow fluff and confusion. While i had wasted massive amounnts of energy trying to wrap my head around all of it, he retains 'Himself' as higher and better than anyone. While i still try to convince myself he is a good person. He continues to play me like fucking cello. Now the strings are breaking.. ..even after the initial breakup, one of the most confusing delluded and secluded ones i have ever had. I am not sure how much longer i can retain a grasp of 'HIM' ..but before the floodgates crack under the pressure and flood the opera hall, i am trying to maintain as much level thinking as i can. No .. ain't easy for the schzo-snapper. I'll try not to bitch about it tho'. Still don't get it , tho'.
(SP)
? ?
As the world falls apart.. i try to do 'my part' to at least retain the "WHATEVER".. i will be in a gracious and kind friend's sequential art show. It's nice ..for once to be seen as an actual comi book artist.. and not just some crazy 'fine-art phuck'. But it's a tricky balance as much art as i am trying to complete,personal projects,all the TMNT fan news, and the wonderful chaos ..o the chaos.. i have to keep up with so much. I get slow some parts of the year.. but i keep my promises and i :: "GIT HER DONE".
.. i get things done.. i follow thru'.
Fag,schizo .. whatever.. if the bastards had thier way i would be typing this in my delusions in the state psych-ward in Pueblo.
Yet this puppeteer,animator,designer,cartoonist,comic artist,writer,pop-artist,fine artist,.. mama's schizophrenic and homosexual son..
..this suicidalist near the heart of Bush's country.. ..
..is typing this.
Dunno what it means..
right now.. i am really fucking dark. I am getting numb tho' .. :/
..Oi got shit to do. Court in a few hours.. dammit.
(( ah, ma.. can't you just be happy with me.. can't you just not be conflicted by me ..)) .."Schizophrenic and gay.. schizophrenic and gay .. opera.. opera.. "
HA HA .. HA HA HA ..
..god, that gun .. well alone i remain to deal with such details.. back to that in a few moments.
Hmm.. the fucks don't understand a word i am saying still ?? They still are bothered that i am trying to make them think .. even without even trying ?!
..maybe they'd understand it if handed them a brick and told them to shove it up thier rectum. Hell .. i'll even help them out if they wish.
.. or perhaps.. they'd like to listen to the cello. "F-holes" ..
..can't think - -
bravo, maestro .. i wasn't ever anything to you.
..heh
..>v<
Etiquetas: (sp), cello, Schizophrenia, terrible2z.com, tiger, tOkKa
sábado, septiembre 22, 2007
08222007 .. try-grr
-->> Press his head .. tiger growls,revs,growls,laughs, revs and goes..
Good Morning,Mr.Wong..
** ** **
..seemed like i was used by someone.. ..
..thought a plane blew up before it left the hangar..
No one will read this..those that do fail to understand.
But i'd just run my my mouth off and blow my a hole in my head .. then maybe .. after that they'd try.
Maybe this is a chakra ..but it also is a madness.
Why am i trying to face this sh6t anymore ?? Why do i fight ??
At least i try.. but no matter what i struggle with or how hard i face it.. it's not good enough ever f8cking EVER.
Tigers tigers tigers.. sometimes i don't care about the tigers, i need the chaotix to cease and the pain to roll back sevear.
But there is no one to talk to.. No one to relate. Sorry.. just popping more pills and going to the bar,shooting illegal sh6t, just doesn't do it for me. Good on you for those it works..
.. but with the madness of this third eye .. and the continued clichés; i don't need delusion and of these things as i'm already far to lost in this cycle.
Are the clichés they drown me in really meant with good intent ..or is it just systematic and false ?? I don't know anymore.
..growin' numb again.
F6ckin' awesome. Maybe i'll drive the soldering iron right thru' my eyes instead of just lashing myself on the back like i usually do.
**
I've had a difficult time placing words for what just happened., prolly cuz nothing like this had ever happened to me before.
So as i take those steps.. the volcano erupts again as it spews out thoughts that none relates to.
And pain on has no 'meter' ..
.. there is no limit to the amount of damage it can inflict.. mind, body and soul ..i can be relative.
Sometimes it is i guess.
.. as usual i am confused by the individuals who are against ideology of me destroying myself and gaining the peace i need.
What's even more confusing is those that would be against me killing me.. yet they'd soon be ready to inflict that limitless pain themselves.
.. small number of people knew of what was happening. Really no one to turn to for advice.. i had noone to confide in for how to approach this situation.
As it goes here for Snapper .. and has been. Can't complain too much . for the situation is what it is..still i have noone i can entrust with this info without it turning on my head and it turnin' into something that would be used against me.
While i have support in some instance. It is limited.
The times i've needed downright help in crisis.. that help isn't ever there. Well really hasn't been..there are always exceptions. And so-called help by third parties usually turned into something violent or sent me on a track of wasted energy dealing with institutions and wards of some for or another.
..
Perhaps i choose not to discuss it with some anyway ..
.. i've been aware that i am too much for anyone to love..appears i am too much for anyone to handle.
Do i deserve to be treated the way i was was/am ??
Sometimes .. i don't know what it's like to want to live.. but i have tried to work out the ends of achieving 'happiness'. That itself becomes rather another compulsive ride. Where "trying" and "thinking positive" and doing things,tolerating things that i hope will lead to better futures and paths..many times fall flat on the dusty ground like cardboard dragons and paper tigers. Disappointment,mania,confusion and anger can also take one into the area of disillusionment. A cornerstone of alot of the stances i take on existence in general.
While i confided my heart into someone new ..i was well aware of the risk..was afraid to epic proportions.
The practicality of this relationship was thrown out the window from day one. But i wasn't about to let that stop me.
"Think positive" .. ok fine.. i did .. i did.. i fought.
I try .. i tried ..i struggled.
Ok ..as usual. But there's always something isn't there to add a bit of an extra edge to the knife. Mistakes had been made by me. I deny none of my faults.
A di had been cast..and i was willing to face it with someone new.. and who i was growing to trust.
'Delusion' ..tho' .. i think it's power is underestimated by even me somedays. Communication too.. as in everyday i do all i can to keep 'Communicatin' with those i care about and work for. I beg ..i pleed.. i convulse to "PLEASE CONTACT ME."
I call,email,message ,Text.. whatever it takes.. but in my drive ..because i care and worry, this becomes compulsion. I am labeled : Obsessed and crazy.
Because i am not clairvoyant (durr).. or not mentally hooked up to the governments' tracking satellite, because i don't know where or what people that expect things out of me are thinking and doing at all times ..
..because there was no plan..
..because there was no 'talk' ..
just a lopsided notion on both sides that it would somehow "come together".
I am as much to share the blame i am sure. But i did try.
I suppose the people that choose not even to think even just a little bit of the plan..would soon build a house on top of a tissue-paper bridge over a river of quicksand.
You have to think .. you have to plan.. and when someone claims to know me..or wants to get to know me.. they have to work with me. The distance traveled by this person was vast.
For them to come see .. was something i was looking forward to all year. This was more important to me than even my San Diego trip..which in some regards feels like a 'Mecca' of sorts every year.
As the anxiety mounted .. from outside factors, those factors always amalgamize into much more monstrous struggles.
More than 5 nervous breakdowns ..3 in one week since mid-August left me so incredibly dark again. The suicidal monster is always there..and i do many things that near severe this 'life line' and allow me that "Forever peace" that is just moments away ..yet an eternity from my grasp.
Death..again is not a bad word to me. and the more those that claim they don't wish to hurt me ..DO ..
..the more rational and clear it becomes. This mind relaxes not. I am so glad for those who can obtain a relative state of contentment. More power to your means. I mean that. Good for you .. to find comfort in whatever it is you do to unwind.
Satisfaction and release. Relaxed conscience and security ..at least on moderate levels.
O well.. i handle it right ?? I destroy myself literally.. that's how. That sets my self up ..
burning myself and drawing my own blood is my real drug.
.. magic pills .. don't cut and something meaningful was meaningless.
In a nervous breakdown ..communication is even more imperative.. for you see i am not coherent.
Simple yes and no answers in text may have to do lest i say something i do not mean and hurt someone.
The person misunderstood me and seemes to refused to get it thru' his head that i was planning for his arrival all this time. Calls from his cell were regulated to less than 2 minutes and just as i'd get to the point, i was cut off. Or there would be a given a 'game show' in the background and the person would barely be able to understand me just short of me getting a bullhorn to scream into the phone with.
Technology is great ..cell phones are great .. let the whole f6cking world in on your phone call !~! Privacy is dead.. why the f7ck you think people calling people in te middle of traffic.. screaming at their kids on the phone in the middle of the mall.
Don't f7ckin' walk into the middle of a crowded restaurant or airport and whip your 'Razor' out and expect a magic seclusion bubble to cover you up and suddenly you call is 'PRIVATE'.
Whatever.
He said he'd call me back ..waiting and waiting. One call ..less than 2 minutes every other week isn't enough time to plan to take your dog to the park. Let alone pick someone up from outside the country,give them a place to stay and take them sight-seeing. Uh ok ..
The Titanic people are still so well known for their planning ahead aren't they.
Makin' it short here.. miscommunication and then no communication .. said person chose to have a 3rd part come down from Denver, pick them up.. a few days later, he discoverd :: Colorado = high altitude.
He developed athema and got very sick. I called him and messaged him. Worried as hell. Frustrated as hell. Hurt and confused.
Another short phone call ..the one discovered he was ill,i was trying to even let the whole miscommunication thing go.. trying to be forgiving and let the fact that :: ' He wouldn't be able to see me on this trip."
Even tho' he diverted his travel plans to colorado specifically to see me. All his friends all over North America got to see him except the one who he claimed mattered the most.
The one who led me on all these months and had my heart in a paper bag all this time.. just doing whatever the f7ck he wanted with it.
The way it goes ,tOkKa .. just how it goes. No reason or explanation .. just how it goes.
He's soon throw me under a passing bus. No rhyme or reason. He'd just do it.
It wasn't ever clear what the hell was going on in the end .. and i'm not sure if he was doing this out of hatred for me or what.
I freek out.. and people get upset me at this. But why do they tell me they will keep touch, call me,write..
.. and then they expect me to help them and bend over backwards,run myself weary, and snap myself in two to help them ..and they kill the communication ?!
I don't get that at all.
YOU WANT MY F*CK ING HELP ?! THEN YOU HAVE TO HELP ME HELP YOU ..
and if you can't stay on the phone longer than a minute .. then don't be a moron.
TELL ME !! I'm schizophrenic but not inept !!
EVERYONE THINKS I AM A MADMAN !! NOONE ..NOONE EVER EVER F8KCING EVER LOOKS AT ME HUMAN !@!
NOW EVEN I DON'T SEE ME AS HUMSAN !!
JESUS ..FUCK ME AGAIN !!
.. .. the was supposed to be here from September 11 ..and stay for three days.
.. again my short chat with him lead to knowledge of his illness. His time in Colorado apparently was extended.
I emailed him telling him i was worried. I called left messages. Someone did pick up once then hung up on me.
This point i am so confused and beyond hurt, Yeh ..'disillusioned'.
Literally ..this person may be alive or dead. And i just don't know.
That's a great portion of the anxiety i am dealt with now. Not the only thing ..but a major part of this tiger stew in my brain.
Times like this i walk a line where i so dream and and want to be normal. Then i see the illogic of what some 'normal' people pass off as communication.
Times like that .. i don't see how being 'normal' and 'healthy-minded' is a good thing. They may as well all be schizophrenic.
.. the tiger stripes i have on my body and the ones i inflict on myself are very much cause for continued struggle and are on my own accord. I understand that ..
Again ..that will be my struggle no matter if i use the gun on me or not.
.. but miscommunication and running me ragged. Thru' nervous breakdowns ..and you smash my heart up.
And you expect me to not be 'frustrated' ??
It's pretty simple to tell me what's up. I speak English. I do know how to drive and dress myself. I am not Quasimodo.
But i am also not a Gypsy mind-reader.
I emphasised the point .. i overemphasized the point til' i was smashing my skull on the wall over and over !!
TALK TO ME.. .. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT !!
If you can only talk to me for a minute. FINE .. TELL ME THAT ON THE ONSET !!
.. no no ..
it's to hard ain' it.
I'm the babbling idiot .. who talks to tigers. But everyone gets lost,dazed and confused.. misunderstands,misdirects ..and throws talking and comprimise out the window.
I'm the rambling moron..
.. and i look around me ..and see the never-ending state of war and entropy.
Yeh ok,folks.. i may be time-bomb.. but at least i try to understand things and the people around me. Least i try to communicate.
.. still no word from the person that stole my heart.
.. i don't know where that's at now.
..holding pattern.
Wish ..like that bands' name ..my 'Third eye was blind'.
Then again .. i'd be a miscommunicating mass of a 'normality' like the rest of 'em.
..
..my problem .. all of it ..
..sometimes i want to hate all of them back , the same way i am hated..
..sometimes..
.. they see my tiger stripes and they fail to understand because they choose to.
Tigers devour me .. while the world devours itself.
We struggle..
..open the eye (s) ..
..grr. -
.. >v<
Etiquetas: Hong Kong, relationship, tiger, tOkKa, toy tiger, used love
miércoles, junio 06, 2007
Transformers' Megan Fox has a secret ..((of the ooze))..
-->> Courtesy of MTV.com::
MTV Movie Awards Red Carpet: Justin Timberlake Might Make Megan Fox Pee
'Transformers' hottie Megan Fox goes from indie-geek chic to all-out sleek.
Megan Fox — who is heading to the MTV Movie Awards for the first time — may masquerade as the typical Hollywood stunner, but lurking behind those lush locks, chiseled features and bright baby blues is — a nerd?
"Yeah, I'm a comic book geek," she confessed. When asked to reveal one of her favorite movies of late, she raved about one that was spawned from a comic book series (see " 'Transformers' Set Has Flashy Cars, Robot Models, Exploding Furbys"). " 'TMNT!' " she exclaimed. "I'm down with the Ninja Turtles. For real, that movie was good. It had the greatest fighting scenes between the two brothers, almost 'Crouching Tiger'-style. I was super-excited to see that movie, because I've seen all of them. My favorite was the Vanilla Ice one ['The Secret of the Ooze']."
.. .. ..
..**Click here for the entire article:: The past weekend's MTV Movie awards,Autobot Tatoos, and Urinating about Justin Timberlake .. !! ..>v<
Etiquetas: Justin Timberlake, Megan Fox, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, tOkKa, Transformers, Vanilla Ice
domingo, abril 29, 2007
Self-FRIGHTOUS,clueless;days the south of Denver devours itself..
-->>..
If this chaos is 'humanity' in this city..and the destructive humdrum bustle in what appears almost as if people are trying to destroy each other..
Let the hatred flow thru' them .. ..they'll mourn not for me when i perish ..they'll be to buzy off-roading over what's left of my remains.
..Colorado Springs claims to be the 'BEST CITY TO LIVE IN ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET' ..
Stay away from Dobsen's evil .. ..stay away from 'Focus on the Family' ..the sickening evils in their agenda are not made of Christianity ..or anything to that nature. But of the age old destructors:: lies,deceit,greed control and power.
.. the hypocrisy of the Jesus-Township appears to point otherwise. And that fib it tells itself is growing.
..just riding my bike to where i need to go ..why is it i cannot simply be left be. No .. gonna have 3 or 4 people honking and yelling at me as i ride to deposit my paycheck. Someone saw fit to honk at me when i was in line at the drive-up. I guess all these gas-guzzlers,combat vehicles, and rednecks aren't used to seeing people on bicycles let alone at the bank teller drive-up on a Saturday afternoon.
Sights to see.. the chaotix to me.. people wonder why most of my days are actually at night.. !!
The hostile aire of the day was confusing to me. Tired ..and lost. And the old man hitting his little girl bothered me to hell.
Nothing worked out.. as the blur of the day went on. Repeats and repeats of blurs and tigers and things and confusions. Yeh your head SHALL spin round like a record player until someone smashes it with a croquet mallet into a million tiny shards.
..i grow dark again.. yet i think to the ones depending on me.. it becomes such a difficult line to walk. Tho' i crave death like a parched beast craves water in the lost and war-torn deserts.
God i need to die.
Nothing ..nothing worked out. The lady from where i was supposed to work at failed to call back. Before i knew it i accidentally fell asleep. Waking past 9 P.M. ..loosing feeling. Blank ..and confused.. tromplin' and tripping over clutter.
I receive calls from friends i worry about.. ::my surrogate family.
I always worry about Miguel. I barely take care of myself. Gary and his krew face difficult times.. and Colorado Springs is becoming a tomb again. The skeleton of what once was my home is now turning to dust.
.. if i don't leave soon.. very soon. If good things don't happen soon (yes i am aware i need to work and do what i can to make them happen. Dur. Schizophrenic.. i am .. not moronic.)
..
.. i am running out of focus to keep typing. Parts of whatever ramble and story i thought i could tell here i blowing away.
.. - -
..Cho was in a lot of pain.
More guns wouldn't have helped at all..
Moron N.R.A. .. look overseas.. see where the guns and the bombs go ..and see the endless - - -
morons .. fucking morons.
Bush, butcher.. with every word that drones out of that sickly excuse of a mouth ..little by little you are committing suicide with what ever tiny shred of credibility you thought you had. Keep shooting your mouth off to hell. Again.. I look forward to seeing you when i get there there.
..i'm so confused,Miguel ..
- - -
My mother the car..
.. .. my mother the maniac.. one of the dearest persons i walk the fine lines of such love and hate, contempt and care, remorse and pity..lost in my hatred of her.. and the unknowing of what i'd do without her. How she's fucked up so many things.. yet has conqered so much. Norman Bate's relationship with his mum seems like a picnic sometimes.
I only came out to her because she literally dragged it out of me, she drinks, mixes pills, she used to sit on me like a sumo ..and beat my skull in like a kodo drummer. The entropy in me reflects the entropy in her. She is the strongest woman i know. King Kong has nothing on her as i'm sure she could climb any mountain or building and bring the planet to it's knees if she was so ambitious enough.
..she only calls when there is work to be done, to give me advice that doesn't make sense or is even relevant to my situation. While her heart is in the right place .. i get lost in the dependency of the job she provides to me, the love/hate she has for schizo-fag son.. ((yeh it bothers her to hell i ain' Catholic anymore)), she has me wrapped around her finger like a little bug drowning in a vat of taffy. To break my dependancy from her will will be me finding work outside of this state. Yeh fine.. while i'm still here in "New Life Church-ville" i'll do what i can to promote myself.. and keep trying to work in the community.
But i'm not the "Flash" ..i cannot be everywhere at once. My focus is on Sand Diego right now,resume,Miguel's Ninja Turtle site, and my own work with t2z and the paintings i owe AIDS charity, that and 50 other projects i already committed to. I'm a buzy snapper ..with the most unbalanced schedule ..and the most unreliable tools to do all this with. Everywhere i want,need,hope, and don't want to be..can't sometimes.
.. can't stop tho'..just keep working thru' the blur.. with the blur..
..this was once my home..birthplace .. a place i once loved so much.
Now.. - - the tomb ..god..
.. .. perspective ain' my strong suit. But if this city continues to devour the people that i love ..especially in their time of anguish and peril .. my anger will not subdue.
I am sick of this tomb of a city.. and the hatred, elite, and the false 'community' they claim to reside.
Dobsen,.. you can go fuck yourself with a broken beer bottle.
Ira Glass
..SHUT THE FUCK UP !!
+ + +
Schizo.. crazy .. crazy-Tokka .."Be crazy ,Tokka.. "
..hahaha.. voices tigers, guns, voices, tigers.. hahaha..
..
..butchers,bakers ..
..candle-light vigil..
what am i anymore.. ..
..and questions without marks. Questions have no answers.. so they just merge with the statements ,facts,quotas,statistics.
.. Somethings are so genetic.. sadly.. somethings are genetic on both sides of my parent's family. Curses and diseases. ME.
somethings maybe i just should have seen coming..
- -
- ..was starting to fall asleep waiting to get a phone call from another job Saturday evening..
..instead..
.. one phone call ..
..
..she's crying..
and scared .. .. i thought she wanted something ..it was strange for me to call her so late. Summin' was wrong. Usually i have to call her to find out what chores she needs me to finish up at the office.
No ..she had something else to say .. ::
.. " .. .. We found a lump in my breast.. "
- -
.. and i dunno ..
>v<
Etiquetas: Colorado Springs, Schizophrenia, tOkKa