01122008 - cold storage, originally uploaded by tOkKa.

01122008 - cold storage

Refrigerated tiger stockpile in Guilin Bear and Tiger Farm © Belinda Wright - WPSI

**

-->>.. been called so many things across the spectrum.

Judgement layed on me and everything i produce, my evil work.

I battle and struggle best i can .. never is good enough for anyone.
The more i hurt ..the more a villain i become to some.

I've been called 'frightening',monsterous,chaotic, and soemtiems evil.

To witness savagery humanity i capable of reaching..

at times i hold no guilt for the self-destructive measures i've taken in order to fulfill my need to feel.

As this city devours itself from the inside:: again i become accused of many things,threatened with hosital, and i become something people can use, and every action or mistake i made is used against me.

Dark,horrible and demonic..

the names can continue..

so much of humanity loathes me. So be it.

Save your souls 'Christians' of the false setto. You are not real and neither is your god or your 'marketed' evangelical election.

((Yes ,James Dobson you'll see me in hell.))

O' i am so terrible.. i am so evil..

what else can you cast me as ??

Suicidal,the heart of chaotix,isolated, and evil,calamitous, & wicked

schizophrenic and fag..


..their own chaos is piloted by hypocrisy.

Whatever they call me..those humans..



..they better not call me human.

If humanities' hearts ultimately equal such corrosion..

..i'll have nothingto do with it. The sooner i leave this existence.. the better off everone is.

Peace..

for whatever is left of me ..whatever hell i am going to.

..>v<

Etiquetas: tiger

11152007 // 2 octaves above middle C

? ?

-->>..November scream .. December blur..tired tired eyes..

..dark aire .. kill your browser..you won't understand a fucking thing i say anyway..right ??

..no days .. no nights.. no time.. noone..that's what the illness does sometimes ??

.. my mother's shadow looms..tho' it retains less the sinister characteristics,thankfully.

I do care for her deeply.. i shall try to be as thankful as i can for this while it lasts.

She still deludes herself..same as when she drinks :: her schizo-fag son writhes on her nerves. A fact she has been screaming about on rare but odd times. I've been raising my voice. 'This game' .. this game she claims isn't,wasn't , can't be.. the topic is dead to me. Or maybe more moot than dead.
The sky remains blue, the wars remain destructive, the toilet water remains blue. Fact is and was. It always will be. Even when i am not 'real'.. i still must be something. It's not about being a homosexual or a bisexual or whatever she wants me to call it.. it's not about the schizophrenia or my slow climb to achieve whatever the fuck i am trying to achieve anymore.
Part of it is a struggle for words even i cannot come up with anymore. I have fumbled thru' this confusing existence having to explain evey single fiber of my being, my actions, my genes, my jeans. Colorado Springs will not ever be a place i can be accepted.. because it failed to be my home along time ago. I am glad my my ma can accept the place after all this time. And havea sence of moderate peace about this fuckhole of a city. While it'll always be my city of birth..it just isn't my "HOME".

As usual .. I know nothing what anything retains or means in time. Legacy and generation are words i may grasp the dictionary meaning of.. but to grasp a word beyond the meaning.. i wonder.. i really wonder:: i think you have had to have felt it at some point. Maybe i haven't crossed those roads yet. Maybe i won't or can't. Someone i onced loved was worried' about my legacy at one time. But those things subside as the chaos just kept taking me for it's ride. And somehow .. another train derailed.. and here i am again.

Communication with loved ones and so called loved ones remains a headache. At some point tho' .. it needs to level off. When the headache becomes a migraine..then the migraine becomes a nightmare :: obsession and confusion sets in. While i know a scattered attention span is the order for many nowadays ( i am no exception ), communication becomes ridiculous when people fail ..after trying my patience to the point of maddness ( no ,literal.. i keep having so many breakdowns anymore.. all i need is that gun ,that is my best medicine right now ).
People just need to stop saying to me " I'll call you.. i'll this.. i'll email you.. i'll that.." ..over ..and over and over andoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandover.. .. - - - to infinity.
You loose graps of the situation.. you become confused, you wonder 'WHY' ..and what you did wrong. How it got to this point. Resentment .. more confusion. Pure anger..self-violence on my body after i become numb,panic .. ..disillusionment ..perhaps more ange ..ok ALOT MORE, .. and then maybe :: conplacent.

I become another villian.. i am 'the crazy' one.. and after all ..what a wonderful and cheap scapegoat :: .."Well he's schizophrenic.. noone understands him anyway."

.. ok cool.

I gave them "Shit .." for after they hurt me so bad .. but they are more than ok to continue to throw thier shit at me and the fan.. and like i've said.. the shit hit the fan and they kept lobbing it until it took the fan with it.

Ah ..the state of the planet ..in some cases so it seems.

Politicians do nothing for me.. "Rock the vote" ..or rock with your cock out.. i "OH EIGHT" means nothing to me..

..bitter ?? I wish i saw it like that .. .. all that was sucked into the void with everything else ..and the time..and the legacies.. and the nothing that i remain despite all that has happened even within' this year. This strange ..strange calander year of some sort. And another run-on sentence.

'Suicide' remains thier bad word. Let it be. I still see only logic within' this. As the gun refuses to judge.. the facinating device is a terrible thing. But forward it goes .. and my direction.. it's ultimate aim shall be me. While i'd often hoped to die much more horrifically..it's simplicity is welcomed anymore as my heart and brain refuse to settle thier differences.

As those who had used me.. or sought to use me.. or are een now..(trying to 'USE' me right now.. stabbing the turnip and hoping to obtain blood ) .. San la Muerte just stays there ..in every other thought. Always in my dreams. I have not seen her in nightmares. She has not ever been anything of nightmares. But path i walk with her is not yet complete..tho' once again the path with her is riddled with more tigers and an ever thicker fog. Perhaps soon..when i least expect it she will full embrace me and i will forever be silent. Naw.. it's not suicide.. it's freedom..and a complete cycle of chaos. San La Muerte is good.


? ?

My newest EX.. the few i've had ..left his stains and wounds on me. His photo remains at my bedside. I think of him too much ..and he still lives in his angel world of fluffy clouds and 'Hello Kitty' despite the pain he caused.. he seems to continue to not give a fuck who he hurts in his wake of marshmallow fluff and confusion. While i had wasted massive amounnts of energy trying to wrap my head around all of it, he retains 'Himself' as higher and better than anyone. While i still try to convince myself he is a good person. He continues to play me like fucking cello. Now the strings are breaking.. ..even after the initial breakup, one of the most confusing delluded and secluded ones i have ever had. I am not sure how much longer i can retain a grasp of 'HIM' ..but before the floodgates crack under the pressure and flood the opera hall, i am trying to maintain as much level thinking as i can. No .. ain't easy for the schzo-snapper. I'll try not to bitch about it tho'. Still don't get it , tho'.

(SP)

? ?

As the world falls apart.. i try to do 'my part' to at least retain the "WHATEVER".. i will be in a gracious and kind friend's sequential art show. It's nice ..for once to be seen as an actual comi book artist.. and not just some crazy 'fine-art phuck'. But it's a tricky balance as much art as i am trying to complete,personal projects,all the TMNT fan news, and the wonderful chaos ..o the chaos.. i have to keep up with so much. I get slow some parts of the year.. but i keep my promises and i :: "GIT HER DONE".

.. i get things done.. i follow thru'.

Fag,schizo .. whatever.. if the bastards had thier way i would be typing this in my delusions in the state psych-ward in Pueblo.

Yet this puppeteer,animator,designer,cartoonist,comic artist,writer,pop-artist,fine artist,.. mama's schizophrenic and homosexual son..

..this suicidalist near the heart of Bush's country.. ..

..is typing this.

Dunno what it means..



right now.. i am really fucking dark. I am getting numb tho' .. :/



..Oi got shit to do. Court in a few hours.. dammit.

(( ah, ma.. can't you just be happy with me.. can't you just not be conflicted by me ..)) .."Schizophrenic and gay.. schizophrenic and gay .. opera.. opera.. "

HA HA .. HA HA HA ..

..god, that gun .. well alone i remain to deal with such details.. back to that in a few moments.


Hmm.. the fucks don't understand a word i am saying still ?? They still are bothered that i am trying to make them think .. even without even trying ?!

..maybe they'd understand it if handed them a brick and told them to shove it up thier rectum. Hell .. i'll even help them out if they wish.

.. or perhaps.. they'd like to listen to the cello. "F-holes" ..


..can't think - -


bravo, maestro .. i wasn't ever anything to you.

..heh


..>v<

Etiquetas: (sp), cello, Schizophrenia, terrible2z.com, tiger, tOkKa

08222007 .. try-grr





-->> Press his head .. tiger growls,revs,growls,laughs, revs and goes..

Good Morning,Mr.Wong..
** ** **


..seemed like i was used by someone.. ..

..thought a plane blew up before it left the hangar..

No one will read this..those that do fail to understand.

But i'd just run my my mouth off and blow my a hole in my head .. then maybe .. after that they'd try.

Maybe this is a chakra ..but it also is a madness.

Why am i trying to face this sh6t anymore ?? Why do i fight ??

At least i try.. but no matter what i struggle with or how hard i face it.. it's not good enough ever f8cking EVER.

Tigers tigers tigers.. sometimes i don't care about the tigers, i need the chaotix to cease and the pain to roll back sevear.

But there is no one to talk to.. No one to relate. Sorry.. just popping more pills and going to the bar,shooting illegal sh6t, just doesn't do it for me. Good on you for those it works..

.. but with the madness of this third eye .. and the continued clichés; i don't need delusion and of these things as i'm already far to lost in this cycle.

Are the clichés they drown me in really meant with good intent ..or is it just systematic and false ?? I don't know anymore.

..growin' numb again.

F6ckin' awesome. Maybe i'll drive the soldering iron right thru' my eyes instead of just lashing myself on the back like i usually do.




**

I've had a difficult time placing words for what just happened., prolly cuz nothing like this had ever happened to me before.

So as i take those steps.. the volcano erupts again as it spews out thoughts that none relates to.



And pain on has no 'meter' ..

.. there is no limit to the amount of damage it can inflict.. mind, body and soul ..i can be relative.

Sometimes it is i guess.


.. as usual i am confused by the individuals who are against ideology of me destroying myself and gaining the peace i need.

What's even more confusing is those that would be against me killing me.. yet they'd soon be ready to inflict that limitless pain themselves.


.. small number of people knew of what was happening. Really no one to turn to for advice.. i had noone to confide in for how to approach this situation.
As it goes here for Snapper .. and has been. Can't complain too much . for the situation is what it is..still i have noone i can entrust with this info without it turning on my head and it turnin' into something that would be used against me.

While i have support in some instance. It is limited.

The times i've needed downright help in crisis.. that help isn't ever there. Well really hasn't been..there are always exceptions. And so-called help by third parties usually turned into something violent or sent me on a track of wasted energy dealing with institutions and wards of some for or another.
..




Perhaps i choose not to discuss it with some anyway ..


.. i've been aware that i am too much for anyone to love..appears i am too much for anyone to handle.

Do i deserve to be treated the way i was was/am ??


Sometimes .. i don't know what it's like to want to live.. but i have tried to work out the ends of achieving 'happiness'. That itself becomes rather another compulsive ride. Where "trying" and "thinking positive" and doing things,tolerating things that i hope will lead to better futures and paths..many times fall flat on the dusty ground like cardboard dragons and paper tigers. Disappointment,mania,confusion and anger can also take one into the area of disillusionment. A cornerstone of alot of the stances i take on existence in general.
While i confided my heart into someone new ..i was well aware of the risk..was afraid to epic proportions.

The practicality of this relationship was thrown out the window from day one. But i wasn't about to let that stop me.
"Think positive" .. ok fine.. i did .. i did.. i fought.

I try .. i tried ..i struggled.

Ok ..as usual. But there's always something isn't there to add a bit of an extra edge to the knife. Mistakes had been made by me. I deny none of my faults.
A di had been cast..and i was willing to face it with someone new.. and who i was growing to trust.


'Delusion' ..tho' .. i think it's power is underestimated by even me somedays. Communication too.. as in everyday i do all i can to keep 'Communicatin' with those i care about and work for. I beg ..i pleed.. i convulse to "PLEASE CONTACT ME."

I call,email,message ,Text.. whatever it takes.. but in my drive ..because i care and worry, this becomes compulsion. I am labeled : Obsessed and crazy.
Because i am not clairvoyant (durr).. or not mentally hooked up to the governments' tracking satellite, because i don't know where or what people that expect things out of me are thinking and doing at all times ..


..because there was no plan..

..because there was no 'talk' ..

just a lopsided notion on both sides that it would somehow "come together".

I am as much to share the blame i am sure. But i did try.

I suppose the people that choose not even to think even just a little bit of the plan..would soon build a house on top of a tissue-paper bridge over a river of quicksand.

You have to think .. you have to plan.. and when someone claims to know me..or wants to get to know me.. they have to work with me. The distance traveled by this person was vast.

For them to come see .. was something i was looking forward to all year. This was more important to me than even my San Diego trip..which in some regards feels like a 'Mecca' of sorts every year.

As the anxiety mounted .. from outside factors, those factors always amalgamize into much more monstrous struggles.

More than 5 nervous breakdowns ..3 in one week since mid-August left me so incredibly dark again. The suicidal monster is always there..and i do many things that near severe this 'life line' and allow me that "Forever peace" that is just moments away ..yet an eternity from my grasp.

Death..again is not a bad word to me. and the more those that claim they don't wish to hurt me ..DO ..

..the more rational and clear it becomes. This mind relaxes not. I am so glad for those who can obtain a relative state of contentment. More power to your means. I mean that. Good for you .. to find comfort in whatever it is you do to unwind.

Satisfaction and release. Relaxed conscience and security ..at least on moderate levels.

O well.. i handle it right ?? I destroy myself literally.. that's how. That sets my self up ..

burning myself and drawing my own blood is my real drug.


.. magic pills .. don't cut and something meaningful was meaningless.

In a nervous breakdown ..communication is even more imperative.. for you see i am not coherent.

Simple yes and no answers in text may have to do lest i say something i do not mean and hurt someone.

The person misunderstood me and seemes to refused to get it thru' his head that i was planning for his arrival all this time. Calls from his cell were regulated to less than 2 minutes and just as i'd get to the point, i was cut off. Or there would be a given a 'game show' in the background and the person would barely be able to understand me just short of me getting a bullhorn to scream into the phone with.

Technology is great ..cell phones are great .. let the whole f6cking world in on your phone call !~! Privacy is dead.. why the f7ck you think people calling people in te middle of traffic.. screaming at their kids on the phone in the middle of the mall.
Don't f7ckin' walk into the middle of a crowded restaurant or airport and whip your 'Razor' out and expect a magic seclusion bubble to cover you up and suddenly you call is 'PRIVATE'.

Whatever.

He said he'd call me back ..waiting and waiting. One call ..less than 2 minutes every other week isn't enough time to plan to take your dog to the park. Let alone pick someone up from outside the country,give them a place to stay and take them sight-seeing. Uh ok ..

The Titanic people are still so well known for their planning ahead aren't they.

Makin' it short here.. miscommunication and then no communication .. said person chose to have a 3rd part come down from Denver, pick them up.. a few days later, he discoverd :: Colorado = high altitude.

He developed athema and got very sick. I called him and messaged him. Worried as hell. Frustrated as hell. Hurt and confused.

Another short phone call ..the one discovered he was ill,i was trying to even let the whole miscommunication thing go.. trying to be forgiving and let the fact that :: ' He wouldn't be able to see me on this trip."
Even tho' he diverted his travel plans to colorado specifically to see me. All his friends all over North America got to see him except the one who he claimed mattered the most.

The one who led me on all these months and had my heart in a paper bag all this time.. just doing whatever the f7ck he wanted with it.

The way it goes ,tOkKa .. just how it goes. No reason or explanation .. just how it goes.

He's soon throw me under a passing bus. No rhyme or reason. He'd just do it.

It wasn't ever clear what the hell was going on in the end .. and i'm not sure if he was doing this out of hatred for me or what.

I freek out.. and people get upset me at this. But why do they tell me they will keep touch, call me,write..

.. and then they expect me to help them and bend over backwards,run myself weary, and snap myself in two to help them ..and they kill the communication ?!

I don't get that at all.

YOU WANT MY F*CK ING HELP ?! THEN YOU HAVE TO HELP ME HELP YOU ..




and if you can't stay on the phone longer than a minute .. then don't be a moron.


TELL ME !! I'm schizophrenic but not inept !!

EVERYONE THINKS I AM A MADMAN !! NOONE ..NOONE EVER EVER F8KCING EVER LOOKS AT ME HUMAN !@!

NOW EVEN I DON'T SEE ME AS HUMSAN !!

JESUS ..FUCK ME AGAIN !!



.. .. the was supposed to be here from September 11 ..and stay for three days.



.. again my short chat with him lead to knowledge of his illness. His time in Colorado apparently was extended.

I emailed him telling him i was worried. I called left messages. Someone did pick up once then hung up on me.

This point i am so confused and beyond hurt, Yeh ..'disillusioned'.

Literally ..this person may be alive or dead. And i just don't know.

That's a great portion of the anxiety i am dealt with now. Not the only thing ..but a major part of this tiger stew in my brain.

Times like this i walk a line where i so dream and and want to be normal. Then i see the illogic of what some 'normal' people pass off as communication.

Times like that .. i don't see how being 'normal' and 'healthy-minded' is a good thing. They may as well all be schizophrenic.

.. the tiger stripes i have on my body and the ones i inflict on myself are very much cause for continued struggle and are on my own accord. I understand that ..
Again ..that will be my struggle no matter if i use the gun on me or not.


.. but miscommunication and running me ragged. Thru' nervous breakdowns ..and you smash my heart up.

And you expect me to not be 'frustrated' ??

It's pretty simple to tell me what's up. I speak English. I do know how to drive and dress myself. I am not Quasimodo.

But i am also not a Gypsy mind-reader.

I emphasised the point .. i overemphasized the point til' i was smashing my skull on the wall over and over !!

TALK TO ME.. .. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT !!

If you can only talk to me for a minute. FINE .. TELL ME THAT ON THE ONSET !!

.. no no ..

it's to hard ain' it.

I'm the babbling idiot .. who talks to tigers. But everyone gets lost,dazed and confused.. misunderstands,misdirects ..and throws talking and comprimise out the window.
I'm the rambling moron..

.. and i look around me ..and see the never-ending state of war and entropy.

Yeh ok,folks.. i may be time-bomb.. but at least i try to understand things and the people around me. Least i try to communicate.

.. still no word from the person that stole my heart.

.. i don't know where that's at now.

..holding pattern.


Wish ..like that bands' name ..my 'Third eye was blind'.

Then again .. i'd be a miscommunicating mass of a 'normality' like the rest of 'em.
..

..my problem .. all of it ..

..sometimes i want to hate all of them back , the same way i am hated..

..sometimes..

.. they see my tiger stripes and they fail to understand because they choose to.

Tigers devour me .. while the world devours itself.
We struggle..

..open the eye (s) ..

..grr. -

.. >v<

Etiquetas: Hong Kong, relationship, tiger, tOkKa, toy tiger, used love